Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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Had to fire my personal Trainer.
He dint do squat.

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There was an unbelievably close finish in this years “Shемаlе of the year” contest.
It was a Thai.

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Some сосаinе addicts get very glossy skin.
It’s the charlie sheen

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I’m going to open a nightclub and call it Schindler’s.
Just so I can say to people, “Sorry you can’t come in. You’re not on the list.”

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I used to have a job circumcising elephants..
It was shiт work but the tips were massive.

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If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy.

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My new girlfriend just found out that I’m 42.
She said, “You told me that you were 28 and a half!”
I said, “I am if you think about it.”

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A popular TV weekly series in the 1960’s was “Star Trek,” starring William Shatner as the captain and Leonard Nimoy who is a Vulcan. …
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A museum has been erected with artifacts from the show and a replication of The USS Enterprise. I found the ship to be very detailed, including the cabin for Shatner. I even found details in the cabin’s bathroom. …
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There in the toilet was the Captain’s Log.

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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass. …
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Just wanted to make that clear.

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Duck goes into Walgreen’s. … … ‘A tube of ChapStick lip balm, please.’ … …
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‘Certainly, that will be fifty cents.’ …
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‘Put it on my bill, please.’

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My local museum is trying to raise money by setting up a dinosaur fossil display.
How will it work?
Remains to be seen.

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I’ve started writing crossword puzzles for a national newspaper. The money is not great but It’s allowed me to buy a little two up two down house.

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My first stand up attempt was disastrous.
Mind you I was only nine months old at the time.

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Where did the phrase , ” … had a meteoric rise to fame ” , come from.
When was the last meteor that went Up ?

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Just sold my glove puppet collection.
A collector called round and offered me £150 to take them off my hands.

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The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.
Medics say he needed a second coat.

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I said to my Doctor, “I’ve become a can of deodorant.”
He said, “Are you sure?”
I replied, “No, I’m Lynx.”

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I got sacked today from my job as a stage designer.
But I left without making a scene

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