Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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I’ve just got a make-shift job at the computer keyboard factory.

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I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

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I’ve put a hole in a bar of soap and I use it to маsтurвате.
Normally I wouldn’t share this kind of information, but I just have to сuм clean.

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I hate when people ask what I hope to be doing in 5 years time
I mean come on, I don’t have 2020 vision

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My mate needed a bit of help building his clock.
So I gave him a hand.

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Pregnant woman calls her mum…………
“Hi Mum, I don’t wanna cause a panic but I’m out shopping and I think my waters have just broken”
- ” Oh my God!………Ok, just relax, now, where are you ringing from?”
“My fаnny to my ankles”

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I had some good news today; a TV Station have commissioned my new show about what goes on inside a cockpit.
We’re filming the pilot next week.

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Just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock.
It’s not great, but it gets me out the house.

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It looks like we got about 4 inches of snow last night …
Or as my boyfriend calls it… 7.

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A man walks into a piano store and says,
"I would like to buy a hairy piano." Perplexed, the sales clerk asked,
"Why do you want a hairy piano?!" Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins."

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Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his аss.
He says, “How’d you get a cork in your аss?”
The other guy says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a рuff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, ‘I am Тоnто, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish.”
And I said, “No shiт!”

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Overheard at the White House: …
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence:
“the less immigrants we let in the better.” …
Pence to trump:
“The FEWER..” …
Trump interrupts Pence and says:
“don’t call me that in public”.

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I’ve had enough of this shiт.
I thought to myself as i sat on the toilet for 3 hours.

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Punctuation can really change a sentence.
For example, “Let’s eat kids” becomes “Let’s eat punctuation”.

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Was watching golden globes this morning.
The next door neighbbour was sunbathing торlеss in the garden.

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I was at a antique store and came across the first Рlаyвоy magazine ever issued……
Luckily, the owner didn’t see me.

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First Guy:
“How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition today?” … …
…..
Second Guy:
“I don’t know, it was countless.”

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After a number of meetings and discussions, a blonde 18-year-old was dismissed from FFA, the Future Farmers of America group.
She couldn’t keep her calves together.

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