Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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After a number of meetings and discussions, a blonde 18-year-old was dismissed from FFA, the Future Farmers of America group.
She couldn’t keep her calves together.

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I bumped into the guy that invented the globe.
It’s a small world.

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My new girlfriend lets me liск anything off her and I love it.
Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me liск it off her.
She’s a сrаскеr.

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I see the same homeless man scribbling furiously in a notebook every day on my way to work. This morning I stopped to ask him his story.
“I am Stephen King’s older brother,” he said. “He stole the ideas for all of his novels from me.”
I replied, “Surely you must be Joe.”

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When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, “Just use a fсuкing spoon, Mike. You’re not a Jedi.”

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CNN News “Tree Falls On Bank”
Does anyone know what branch?

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I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. …
….
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.

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We're going on a class trip to the Dr. Pepper factory... I hope there's no pop quiz.

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"What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?" asked the curious boy.
His mother took a deep breath and then replied, "It wooden go."

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My Grandad invented the roller coaster.
But the cups just slide off the coffee table.

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Frankenstein and Count Dracula had a boxing match scheduled in which they were going to throw the fight. This was so Dracula could win in order to pay off a debt to the mafia. Frankenstein was heavily favored and the mafia were betting on him so they could increase the debt Dracula owed and further put pressure on him.
The веll rung and out came the two combatants. Not ten seconds went by when Frankenstein hit the mat. "Would you look at that," said one spectator. "Frankenstein was barely touched and now he's lying on his back."
"Dracula is dancing the victory dance around him!" yelled another. "The referee's already up to 8."
"This looks highly suspicious to me," said a third. "I think Frankenstein's down for the Count!"

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I’ve just left feedback for my second hand telescope I bought from eBay.
Rubbish; 2 Stars.

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I have a pet Newt, his name is Tiny.
My mate asked “Why do you call him Tiny”?
I replied “Because he’s minute”

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Sign at the towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg, we just want tows!"

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This morning someone phoned me and told me that I need to sort my fuскing life out.
It was quite a wake up call.

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I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth..
Last time I buy a Larvae lamp.

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A girl grabbed my соск and said, “Wow! Your diск wouldn’t make a very good clock.”
“Why?” I asked, intrigued.
“Because I’d struggle to get a second hand on it,” she replied.

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I’ve been offered a new, highly demanding job testing the new ‘Super-strength Viаgrа’.
I think I’ll take it, how hard can it be?

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