Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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I took a photo of the thing I use to play my guitar.
It was a lovely pic.

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Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em?

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In our football match today the opposition hit the bar three times in the first half.
I know we’re not very good but they could have at least waited until the end to celebrate.

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How do you measure a Lego figure’s shoe size?
In square feet.

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Managed to avoid cutting myself with a razor this morning, but it was a close shave!

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I knew this girl who wanted вiggеr воовs, but couldn’t afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden тiт?

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I'm getting mighty fed up with these sheep-human hybrids!
What is with ewe people!?

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Last night I dreamt I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted!

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YOUR LISTENING TO MAGIC FM…….. Pick a frequency, any frequency

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I’ve finally remembered the word that I’ve been thinking about for two weeks.
It’s ‘fortnight.’

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Me and my girl plan to recreate every position from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks.
The excitement is building.

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I’m not saying I drive a small car..
But whenever I get home, my garage asks if it’s in yet.

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My соск was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once. But it really рissеd off the librarian and she kicked me out.

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Have you got a copy of “Living with a small реnis ?”
Librarian - “I don’t think its in yet”
“Yep thats the one” - I replied

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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest wife: just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P. S. Sure is hot down here.

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Took my pet lion in an elevator along with shocked shoppers this morning.
There was quite an uproar.

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I wonder what people who type “u” instead of “you” do with all their free time?

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“One of my neighbours had half of his large intestine removed,” I said to my mate.
“Did he end up in a coma?” He asked.
“No,” I replied, “But he did end up with a semi-colon.”

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