Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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I was admitted to hospital suffering a severe case of sеxuаl frustration but after 48 hours I discharged myself.

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A robber walked into a music store and then everybody got down!

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I got a job in a workout center, but they quickly let me go...
They said I wasn't fit for the job.

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I had a crazy dream last night that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
When I woke up I was, like, 0mg!

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I taught my maths class how to use a protractor, with varying degrees of success.

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The other day I was trying to make a noise with two of my fingers and my thumb, and no matter how much I practiced nothing seemed to work…
Then it clicked

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My ability to speak a bit of Latin is always at the top of my Curriculum Vitae.

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I was chatting with a high-strung flea in the pub. …
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He says he is so nervous he has to get his sleep in snatches.

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The past, present and future walked into a bar.
It was tense…
Then a wigwam and a tepee walked into the bar and I left quickly.
Things had gotten too tense.

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I went to a party dressed as a loaf of bread.
The birds were all over me.

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Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage……..
I used to shave my privates with one , but I don’t have the ваlls to do that now.

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I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

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The inventory of the Crossword has died.
He will be buried tomorrow.
Six down and three across.

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Do gun manuals have a “trouble shooting?” section?

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Traffic in every Florida city is crazy! Drivers are maniacs! Saturday afternoon there was a taxi driver who had to pull out to avoid a kid.
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He fell off the sofa.

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As I handed my mum her 50th birthday card today. She said,
“One would have done.”

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How do you titillate an ocelot?
….
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You oscillate its тiт a lot

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I hate having to brush my teeth every morning.
I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.

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