Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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EBay’s search feature can be so useless sometimes and other times be equally worthless with overkill.
I tried to look up cigarette lighters and they had 13,749 matches.

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My wife moans at me to say ‘I did’ instead of ‘I done’ because it’s not proper grammar.
Easier said than did.

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Guys, want to give that fат аrsе of yours a work out?
Buy her a Zumba DVD for Christmas.

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News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’
He needs a calmer chameleon.

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Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match...
They want to catch him before he strikes again!

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Trump: ‘The less immigrants we bring in the better’ ….
…. ….
…..
Pence: ‘The fewer’ ….
….
….
Trump: ‘I told you not to call me that yet’

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Nowadays these adverts don’t even make sense. The other day I saw this advert that said.
The mother of all broadband!
Virgin.

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My best friend used to be an optometrist. …
…
Alas, he fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

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I once had a small part in a роrn movie.
It was cold that day.

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When we were young my mum used dress me and my brother in the same clothes and we hated it.
We could hardly walk.

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Catching a Polar Bear: …
…
1) Chop a hole in the ice. …
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2) Surround the hole with peas. …
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3) When the polar bear goes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

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If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

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I absolutely love helium filled balloons.
I can’t speak highly enough about them.

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The wife stormed up to me earlier “Do you know what day it is today?”
“Apple pie” I replied.
“Ah, funny fuскеr” she snarled, “when’s my birthday?”
I said “Strawberry gateaux.”
“Fuск you Dave” she screamed before slamming the door.
Looks like I’m in the shiт now, I always get in trouble when my memory desserts me.

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The inventor of the air conditioner has died.
Thousands of fans attended his funeral.

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s вrеаsтs, but when I touched them, a giant net fell on me.
Damn воовy trap.

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I invented a Glass Coffin, but I don’t know if it will catch on.
Remains to be seen.

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My dog Minton just ate my shuttle соск.
Bad Minton.

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