Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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A man walks into a library and says, “Have you got the book, ‘How To Suск Yourself Off’?”
The librarian says, “It’s over there; the one with the broken spine.”

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My Thai mother has recently been having a lot of emotional breakdowns.
I guess she’s not the man she used to be.

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I’ve been told I’m not ambitious enough.
If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy ваsтаrd.
That bronze medal would be mine.

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Everybody has their own circle of friends.
Yet the police still want to refer to mine as a ‘ring’.

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She claims we met at the vegetarian club, but I’d never seen herbivore.

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What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates ?
A Tearjerker.

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I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

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Old MacDonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E - i - e - i - o…..

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The man who invented chicken nuggets was struggling to make hens’ meat

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Did you hear? Chef Careless was arrested for аssаulт. He was caught whipping the cream and beating the eggs!

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I once went on a date with a girl who didn’t swallow.
Soup everywhere.

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I went out with one woman who turned out to be an arsonist.
I met her on match. Com

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Everyone is telling me about this swanky cocktail lounge and piano bar. “Great place,” someone said. “You’ve gotta go sometime,” said another.
So, Saturday night I went.
I ordered a ruм and coke, a pretty ordinary drink and just about choked when the waitress told me the price. Whew!
Normally I would toss back two, three or four drinks in a half hour, but not if I have to get a second mortgage on the old homestead. Sheesh!
So I chose to sit there, listen to the pianist and nurse my drink ever so slowly.
Boy did I nurse it! The ice cubes became floating slivers. The waitress grew rather impatient.
I nursed that ruм and coke so long it grew a niррlе.

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Scrabble, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an I.

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What do you call a super hero completely made of ice?
Justice.

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Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother who was an evil scientist.
His name was Frank Einstein

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You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman ..
.. I said to my еrест реnis.

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My girlfriend woke up with a smile on her face this morning.
I fuскing love felt tips

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