Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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Do you know what really bugs me?
Discreetly placed microphones.

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After realising that I had accidentally eaten my clone, I shat myself.

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“It’s just bananas, bananas, bananas with you,” the wife shouted. “If I told you I was going to leave you because of this ridiculous obsession, what would you say?”
“Well, thanks a bunch,” I replied.

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My Viаgrа addiction was the hardest time of my life.

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I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.
I often wonder what she’s up to now.

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Explosion at a pie factory.
3.14159265 dead.

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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

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What’s E. T. short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship.

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If I can lose just 20 pounds... then I'll be down to the weight I never thought I'd be able to get up to!

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What did the one mirror say to the other mirror?
It's all done with people.

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A lady goes into a butcher shop. She says to the butcher, "can I have a pound of kiddlelees?"
The butcher looks at her and says,
"You mean kidneys don't you?"
The lady looks at him and replies,
"I said kiddlelees diddlе I?"

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My grandfather developed cancer when he was younger.
Some say he’s the most evil scientist who ever lived.

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.
He seemed like a decent feller.

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A girl sneezed in the pub last night and her glass eye flew out and landed in my hand.
I took it back to her and we started chatting. After a few beers and a bit of flirting, I took her home and we shagged all night. I asked her, “Do you shаg everyone on a first date?”
To which she replied, “No, only those that catch my eye”.

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My daughter said, “Dad, can my new boyfriend come for tea?”
I said, “That depends sweetheart, what’s his name?”
“Соrеy” She replied.
“Соrеy what?” I asked.
She said, “Соrеy Ossity.”
I said, “I suppose so, but don’t let him near the cat.”

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I’ve been telling everyone that I’ll make a dictionary that’s the same height as me, by the end of the month. With the deadline approaching my family think i’m going to give up, but I’ll stand by my words.

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My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now…

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I went to a homeless themed fancy dress last night. It was shiт.
Fcuk all food or drink and we stood outside in the rain all night.

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