Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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I went to a homeless themed fancy dress last night. It was shiт.
Fcuk all food or drink and we stood outside in the rain all night.

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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said, “Don’t be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?”

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I am not short...
I'm just more down to earth than other people.

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“Mtwtfss_mtwtfss”
ERROR: [Password two week]

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I saw a sign that said ‘bad’ the other day.
I thought, that’s not a good sign.

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‘I’m looking for a book on lack of empathy’, I asked the librarian.
‘Do I look like I give a fсuк?’, he snapped.
“Yes, that’s the one’, I said.

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Every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place.
I think I need glasses.

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My horse had a win at the races today.
Fuck knows how he filled in the betting slip.

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When it comes to breakfast, 3 bowls of porridge is the bear minimum.

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Where can the most desperate men find dates?
In the grocery store, next to the raisins.

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I always get worried when I hear Chris Brown has a new hit out.
I bet it’s an uppercut

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I never had a father when I was young so I used to pretend the rubber from my pencil case was my dad.
Erased me well.

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Watson walks in on Sherlock having sеx with a younger looking girl.
“Вlооdy hеll, Sherlock! What’d you think you’re doing bangin’ that chick. She looks like she’s in high school!”
Sherlock replied, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

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I got done for shoplifting today.
I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I’d picked 7 up.

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I thought I’d found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying until it crashed.

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I asked my diabetic friend why he doesn’t inject insulin.
He said he’s not the type two.

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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

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I took the airline to court over my missing luggage.
I lost my case!

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