Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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Pfizer has come out with a new tablet after Viаgrа.
To honor Tiger Woods, they have named it Tiagra.
The punch line: Good for 18 holes.

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I just read through six pages in a dictionary. …
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I learned next to nothing.

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Once I found out маsтurватing was an addiction,
I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

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I have a recurring dream where I divide 10 by 3.

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All these different shops are getting ridiculous, Toys R Us, Carpets R Us.
There’s one near me that sells right angled triangles.
Pythag R Us

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What is the difference between a raven and a crow?? …
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Well, ravens and crows both have large feathers on their wings called ‘pinions’. Ravens have 4 pinions on each wing while crows only have 3. …
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So if you think about it, the difference is just a matter of a pinion.

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I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. …
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It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

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Johnny’s Father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right?
T-a-p-e-d-u-n-d-e-r-t-h-e-m-o-d-e-m

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I shouted abuse at some cows and all I got back were blank stares.
So I shouted back, “You herd!”

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Usually I’m quite good at telling Jokes, but sometimes i get excited and punchup the fuckline.

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I was really worried that my premature еjасulатiоn would wreck my new career as a роrn star.
“I’m nervous,” I said to the director on the first day of filming.
“Don’t worry lad, you’ll be fine,” he said. “Just stick to the script.”
“I already have,” I replied.

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A man came up to me and said, “Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.”
I said, “That is very annoying.”
He said, “Well I can only apologise.”

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A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise.
The librarian says, “Sure, what Volume would you like?”

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Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?
Because they’re working around the clock.

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I must be following my diet too closely...
Because I keep gaining on it.

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I tripped on my wife's вrа in the bedroom, turns out it was a воовy trap.

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I think I’ll hire a different plumber in future, instead of that young guy.
He’s fixed the tap, but left my wife dripping.

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They’re going to start playing роrn at the fuel pumps….
This is so you can watch someone else being fuскеd at the same time as you.

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