Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and вlоw their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

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Dentists are going on strike.
Brace yourselves.

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Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.
I won.

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If I were the Town Mayor, I would rename our bridge “The Influence.”
…
Then I would direct the police to pull over and ticket everyone driving under The Influence.

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I just put nearly 400 pounds on a horse.
My wife wanted to go riding, poor fuскing horse.

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To all you letters that want to be before P in the alphabet, join the Q.

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Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies…
Delivered by crane.

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
I’m easily lead.

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I’ve heard seven cancer jokes today…
If I hear tumor, it’s gonna benign.

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The other night I had a dream I was being wanked off by a Ghost.
I was scared stiff.

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The boss over heard an employee singing during work and it sounded awful. He asked,
"Is that in the key of L?"
Puzzled, the employee says,
"Key of L? I'm not really sure?"
The boss replies,
"Well it sure sounds like L to me!"

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I think I’m going to give away my old Dyson vacuum cleaner. It’s just collecting dust.

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I keep having these fantasies about the beautiful Lottery Lady on Saturday Evening TV …
….
No, not about winning the jackpot, I’m imagining her holding my ваlls in her hands.

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I tried to start an online bakery.
But I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

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My mate just rang me in tears…
His wife has left him, taken his prized Bob marley collection and the Satellite ďish.
Poor Ваsтаrd..
No woman, no sky…

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If you have bladder problems.
Urine trouble.

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I wanted to be a palaeontologist, but my parents said there was no future in it

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They found a mysterious hole in the fence of our local nudist colony.
The police are looking into it.

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