Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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They found a mysterious hole in the fence of our local nudist colony.
The police are looking into it.

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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.”
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”
“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”
“It is,” I said.
“No, it isn’t,” she said.
“You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fсuкing chessboard up your аss.”

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When it comes to anagrams, I don’t know my earholes from my аrsеhоlе.

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I rear-ended a car a few days ago……. I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day! …
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The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin’ DWARF!! …
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He looked up at me and said. “I am NOT happy!” …
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So I said, “well, which one are you then?”

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My physics teacher told me that I have potential.
Then he threw me off the roof.

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My wife started yelling at me because I shaved my head.
I tried to explain it was because my bungee jumping instructor told me to, but she just said “If he told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?”

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I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.

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One by one, all of my best mates have started to become interested in men as well as women.
So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

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I saw a billboard on the way to work this morning that read “Future Events.”
Well, that’s a sign of things to come.

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If there was a competition for saggy тiтs, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

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I looked at the calendar and thought,
“It’s been one of those days today.”

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Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?

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A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

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I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice.

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I was recently on Safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two huge male lions, taking it in turns to shаg each other.
I thought, “Fсuк me, have they got no pride?”

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When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon.
But apparently I was too young.

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Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree. After all, there’s only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan.

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Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?
Osmoses

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