Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.”
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”
“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”
“It is,” I said.
“No, it isn’t,” she said.
“You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fсuкing chessboard up your аss.”

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When it comes to anagrams, I don’t know my earholes from my аrsеhоlе.

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A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says “$1”. A bloke walks by and asks ‘You’re selling your TV for a dollar?’
‘yup’
‘It looks brand new!’
‘It is.’
‘What’s wrong with it?’
‘Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can’t change that’
‘So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you’re only selling it for a dollar?’
‘yup’
‘Wow, I can’t turn that down.’

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My physics teacher told me that I have potential.
Then he threw me off the roof.

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My wife started yelling at me because I shaved my head.
I tried to explain it was because my bungee jumping instructor told me to, but she just said “If he told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?”

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I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.

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One by one, all of my best mates have started to become interested in men as well as women.
So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

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I saw a billboard on the way to work this morning that read “Future Events.”
Well, that’s a sign of things to come.

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If there was a competition for saggy тiтs, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

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I looked at the calendar and thought,
“It’s been one of those days today.”

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Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?

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A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, ‘Say It With Flowers.’
‘Wrap up one rose,’ he told the florist.
‘Only one?’ the florist asked.
‘Just one,’ the customer replied. ‘I’m a man of few words.’

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I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice.

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I was recently on Safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two huge male lions, taking it in turns to shаg each other.
I thought, “Fсuк me, have they got no pride?”

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When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon.
But apparently I was too young.

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Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree. After all, there’s only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan.

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Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?
Osmoses

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An Irishwoman gave birth to triplets and named them Nat,Pat and Tat.
However when she tried to breastfeed them she found out there was no тiт for Tat.

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