Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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The receptionist at Howard University answers the phone:
"Good morning, Howard U."

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I had an argument with my neighbour about my trees growing over his fence.
When I extended the Olive Branch it only made matters worse.

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My twin sons Craig and Stuart are going to America to audition on the X factor when it starts over there.
“Hi, i’m Craig Towers, and i’m Stuart Towers… and together we’re Twin Towers”
I’ve got a feeling they’ll go down well.

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I’m not good at many things.
But inсеsт is where I come into my own.

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I’ve just had my first coffee.
To be honest, it wasn’t my cup of tea.

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How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day in January?
He goes into the barn and slips into a warm Jersey.

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Went to my psychologist and told him I feel like a pack of cards.
He said hеll deal with me later

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I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.
This one was written in London.

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Ollie’s Boss had been invited to Ollie and Lena’s for supper. As Lena was setting the table, Ollie’s boss casually asked ten-year-old Ollie Junior what was being served for supper. … Little Ollie said, “I think it is buzzard … because this morning, Mama said to Papa, ‘If we are going to have that old buzzard for supper, it might as well be tonight.'”

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If your parachute doesn’t deploy…
You have the rest of your life to fix it.

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How do skeletons kiss?
They don’t. Skeletons don’t have lips, they just воnе.

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I had an odd-job man in to help me do some work around the house.
I gave him a list of 10 things to do.
He only did numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

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My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t slutty, but I saw right through it.

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I walked into the house after midnight and my wife said, “Where were you?”
“Playing golf.”
“What in the dark?”
“Yeah, I was using night clubs.”

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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t.
Well that’s what I like to tell myself anyway.

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I have got my own private jet, my wife owns rest of the hottub though.

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What word becomes shorter when you add two letters?
Short.

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I’ve fallen in love with a fellow ventriloquist’s doll.
But she’s already spoken for.

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