Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.

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People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
(Their words, not mine)

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My boss accused me of not forwarding an email her way.
I resent that.

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I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text:
“You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!”
To which I replied:
“8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

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A man walks into his hotel’s lift. The operator asks, “Which floor son?”
“17th” replies the man.
“No problem son” says the operator.
As they approached the 17th floor the operator said, “Enjoy the rest of your stay son”
“Why do you keep calling me son?!” asks the man.
“Well, I brought you up didn’t I?” replies the Operator.

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I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up.
I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.

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How do you console someone with bad Grammar Skills ?
There, Their, They’re.

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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

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Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of сосаinе.
Both are in hospital…one’s in a korma.. The other’s got a dоdgy tikka!

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My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.
We now sell smoothies.

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Shame about the Tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie.
He should’ve watched the trailer.

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If TGIF means “Thank God It’s Friday”
Does SНIТ mean “So Happy It’s Tuesday?”

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My big next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from his washing line. I nearly shiт his pants

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Two old ladies, sat in a cafe eating a teacake.
First one says, “did you come on the bus?”
Second one replies, “yeah, but I made it out to look like an epileptic fit”.

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I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt…..
So, I made a move on her.

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I’ve heard rumors that desperate prostitutes use Crest Toothpaste to reduce cavities.

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My brother was a victim of his own success.
His trophy cabinet collapsed on him.

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Showed up late for work and blamed it on rush hour.
Showed up late again the next day and blamed it on rush hour 2.

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