Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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I told a newcomer in prison that the other inmates were heavily interested in astronomy. When asked what I meant, I said, “They are particularly interested in Uranus, so you don’t want to moon them.”

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I went to cinema last night and saw a movie about cheese.
It was G rated.

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Did you hear about the guy who haggled with a рrоsтiтuте for sеx in exchange for his pet deer?
He was trying to get the most ваng for his buck.

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What do Jews love most about their mobile phones?
They can charge them.

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I got into a fight with an artist last night…
We drew.

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I applied for a job with the Brittle Воnе Society.
I don’t have any experience, but I’m prepared to give it a сrаск.

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Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.

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I was in a pub quiz the other day and my team, along with another, tied for first place.
For the ‘tie-breaker’ we were asked one question, and the first person to shout the correct answer won it for their team. The question was as follows.
‘In Paradise Lost, by John Milton, what was the Capital City of Неll?’
No-one from either team knew the answer so both teams started shouting loudly and waving their arms in frustration at the question being too hard. Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out between one team captain and the quiz master.
It was pandemonium.

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After battling for years to overcome my addiction to alcohol gel, I’m finally clean.

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A man bursts into a psychiatrist's office, nакеd, with a thin sheet wrapped around his waist. The psychiatrist diagnoses, "Sir, I can clearly see your nuts."

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$500 worth of condoms and lubricant were stolen overnight from a Sydney sеx shop.
Police described the thieves as slippery,well covered,hardened criminals.

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I have a friend in chef’s school …
He started stealing cutlery from his cooking classes …
It was a whisk he was willing to take.

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I’m in a band called called Dyslexia
We’ve just released our greatest shiт album

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I was stood in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack.
Then it occurred to me, why the fuск am I not drinking it?

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I’ve just bought a film on DVD about a prisoner that finally gets parole.
I’ve waited years for it to be released.

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I don’t do innuendos, but slipping alternative names for poo into sentences is something I do do.

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There’s a hotel on 14th Avenue…I have reservations… … But I’m going to stay there anyway.

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People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr Frankenstein.
I’m only trying to make a living.

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