Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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A new company entered the very competitive business of pumping septic tanks. To promote their new business, they held a caption contest. The winning caption would be posted on all their trucks and the winner would receive five free pump-outs, one every other year for ten years, worth about $3,000.00.
The winning caption? “We are #1 in the #2 Business.”

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I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.
I’m now the main stake holder.

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Never discuss your personal business with bank tellers.
Why?
Because they're tellers!

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I care about how girls feel.
The firmer the better.

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Why does the American Border Patrol guard take Xanax®? …
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To stop Hispanic attacks.

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What did one earthquake say to the other? ….
….
Was that your fault or mine?

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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin, three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!

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I shot someone with a starting gun.
I’ve been charged with race crimes

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A man goes to the library and asks for a book on satisfying your partner in the bedroom.
The librarian said, “Let me check that it’s in first”.
“Yeah, that’s the one.”

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During the American Revolution... What did you call a scared and frightened militiaman fleeing down the same road as a British Loyalist?
Chicken catch a Tory!

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It was a beautiful day at the beach.
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Three young women with eye-popping racks decided to sunbathe without their bikini tops.
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A cop came along and pinched all six of ’em.

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A farmer walks into a restaurant and orders the finest champagne on the menu. A lady in sees this and asks the man: ‘whats the occasion?’
The farmer says “Well, I’ve been trying to get my chickens to lay eggs for ages now and just today they laid their first eggs”
The woman replies “What a coincidence, I’ve been trying to get pregnant for ages and just yesterday my doctor told me that I was pregnant.” She then asks “How do you get your chickens to lay eggs?”
The Farmer says ” I used a different соск”
“Oh, what a coincidence….”

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I already have a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well. …
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I would drive my first car every day, and only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

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She:
“Give it to me, I’m soo wet! give it to me!”
Me: She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.

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People think that just because I grew up in the Projects back in the 80’s, I should walk around carrying a big old boom box on my shoulder. …
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But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

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My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.

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Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time……
For shiтs and giggles.

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I have something really difficult to say…. Ken Dodd’s dads dogs dead!

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