Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

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Johnny, a farmer's son, was having lots of trouble in getting dates. He asked his best friend for some pointers.
The first thing you have to do is to do something to attract her his friend advised. So Johnny went home and hugged his John Deere.

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Iron man is actually Fe male.
Don’t dislike it if you don’t get it

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I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look…
… I knew I was in hot water.

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Sadly,the man who invented the raffle has passed away.
R. I. P Tom Bola.

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Party host: Anyone here allergic to nuts?
Because I like to rest mine on the table.

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The definition of irony;
Not knowing the difference between a definition, and an example.

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The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, “Window or aisle?”
I replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

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I used to have a job holding a flag.
Until a Pole came along and took it.

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My neighbor was complaining about how bad she needed new tires and how much they cost. I told her to start putting her extra change in a jar with a label reading, "Re-TIRE-ment Fund".

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I was only young when I learned to count.
It was odd at first, even then.

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My best friend plays bass guitar in a band … at least he did. But he keeps falling and breaking hip bones, leg bones. …
…
What do you find humerus about that? …
…
All the years this musician did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?

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I just bought that new aftershave “Stalker”….
It’s slightly stronger than Obsession.

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This fат girl came up to me in a club,”Can you sum me up in one phrase?”
“Bye and large”, I replied.

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Recent studies have shown that 63% of women have used vibrators.
The other 37% have brand new ones.

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I just won an innuendo competition.
I had to beat off some stiff competition though.

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I’ve just opened a casino for dogs.
They can play roulette, poker, blackjack and a host of other games all under one roof.
They have to go outside for craps though.

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Black Friday has taken all of my money :
Robinson Crusoe

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