Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.
But I think it’s just a stage he’s going through.

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I got very lonely lately, so I bought some shares.
It's much nicer having some company.

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Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?
Answer: Ireland’s.
Every year it’s Dublin.

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For my cats, I’d climb any meow-tain.

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Why isn’t it always hotter in the stadiums after a game?
I mean, all the fans have left.

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Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.

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Where do we get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

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positive

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What do you call an alligator that’s wearing a vest?
An investigator.

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To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.

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Knock-knock
Who's there?
Fuck.
Fuck who?
You.

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Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

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A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."

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Did you hear about the man whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

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Q: How do you make holy water?
A: You boil the hеll out of it.

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Q: What's the difference between a book and a teacher?
A: You can shut a book up but you can't shut a teacher up.

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So I’ve decided that my wifi will be my valentine.
Idk, we just have this connection.

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