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Made a meal out of an old recipe book today.
Just tasted like paper really .
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Teacher: "What do you get when a waiter trips?"
Student: "Flying Saucers!"
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The word “nothing” is a palindrome. “Nothing” reversed is “Gnihton”.
Which also means nothing.
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I wouldn’t say I’m superstitious, just a little stitious.
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I’ve just watched a distressing film on how African children have to walk up to ten miles to bring water to their village.
I think it was far fetched.
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The inventor of the computer mouse has died.
They should have right clicked and saved him.
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I’m going to disrupt the origami championships tomorrow..
Can’t wait to see how it unfolds.
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My phone tried to auto-correct “f*cking” to “fuск king,” and I was like hеll yeah I am.
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I got my own back on this rude guy in the supermarket where I work by shining my scanner in his eyes.
The look on his face was priceless.
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Spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt.
It was a complete waist of time.
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Girl: Got this dress 20% off.
Me:Come over to my house and get it 100% off.
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My friend, “Light in the Loafers” Rodney Limpwrist, has a birthday coming up soon. …
…
I’m going to send him a box of Farmer Fannies.
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I have sensitive teeth…..
And I’m afraid I’ll say something to hurt their fillings.
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I’ve just found that my Wii remote doesn’t work if you take it out of the sync region.
Much like my wife.
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I never thought that eating a bowl of Alphabet Soup could help me overcome constipation.
But here I am, in the loo, having a massive vowel movement.
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I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since. I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne.
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I’ll never forget my first love. She took me outside and showed me the garden.
She then showed me the hole, at the bottom of her garden. Full of water.
“Throw in a coin and make a wish.” She said.
So I did.
I remember her well.
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I played a game of poker with a lереr.
He threw his hand in.
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