Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

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Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.

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Why do women make better soldiers?
Because they can bleed for a week and not die.

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An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.
The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her.
Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied.
“His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.”
Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker.
“After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”

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Chuck Norris will never die.
The Grim Reaper is too scared to come and claim him.

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There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.
His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn’t care who he hurt.
The bad brother died.
The good brother missed him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven.
Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn’t seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Неll instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Неll and there was his brother.
He was sitting on a bench with a keg of вееr under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don’t understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Неll, why does he have the keg of вееr and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."

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Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

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Q: What's a hipster's favorite profession?
A: Mortician. All of his work is 6 feet underground.

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Chuck Norris never dies.
And of course, he will also never fade away.

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I feel like every nature documentary is directed by a psychopath.
"Here's the cutest baby animal ever."
"Now let's watch something eat it."

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What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!

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Chuck Norris is the meaning of life.
Too bad he's also the meaning of death.

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Patient:
"I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night."
Doctor:
"Don’t worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Кill two birds with one stone."

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Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

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Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

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Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup."
Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."

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Little Mathieu was digging in his garden a hole.
The next door neighbor saw him and asked;
"Why are you digging the dirt Mathieu?"
"My goldfish died, and I have to bury it."
"Oh, I’m so sorry! But, isn’t that hole too big for a small goldfish?"
"Indeed, it is! But my goldfish is inside your sтuрid cat!"

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When Chuck Norris throws a throwing knife, the knife doesn't кill his victim, the force of the air did.

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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.”
The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.”
“No, you have to take it,” says the blonde.
“I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”

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