Wine jokes

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Following conversation took place between husband and wife in a cafe.
Husband: I love you.
Wife: Is that you talking or the wine?
Husband: I was talking to the wine.

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Sign on wine truck...

In case of ACCIDENT:

BRING LOTS OF CHEESE AND CRACKERS!!!

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A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar .
He goes up to the the bar and signals the bartender: “I’ll have a glass of rice wine, please.”
The bartender looks him up and down and laughs. “You’re way too young!”
“How you know my name?!”

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A woman just dropped a £20 note next to me.
I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine.
Well, I bought wine.

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Recent studies have shown that women who have 2 glasses of wine per day are more likely to have a sтrоке.
Women who have a bottle of wine per day might even suск on it

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I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. “Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?” I asked.

He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. “Sir,” I asked the customer, “can you tell me what’s in that drink?”

He looked at me like I was crazy. “It’s wine,” he said, pronouncing his words carefully, “Sauvignon blanc.”

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I found a wallet today, as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?" ... so I turned it to wine.

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Q. What do Jesus and the Easter Bunny have in common?
A. They both taste good with wine.

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My wine drinking is merely functional... My personality is better with a little marinade.

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Sometimes I think I am a bad mother because I don't like wine.

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Niggеr walks into the doctors with a frog on his head… The doctor asks:
- “And what’s the problem here?”
To which the frog replies:
“It started a couple of weeks ago with a blackhead on my аrsе!”
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently “young blacks” and “Romanian gypsies” were not the correct answers.
I was on my computer earlier when the screen suddenly went black. I suppose I should elaborate. When I say “went black” I mean it stopped working. It didn’t go and stab an old lady and nick her purse.
A black man tried to steal my car as I was driving. I was going pretty fast, but the cheeky сunт managed to get in through the windscreen.
Black lives matter only when killed by a white. Those killed by other blacks don’t seem to matter as much.
*Black couple having Sеx*
Black Guy: Who’s Your Daddy!?! Who’s YOUR DADDY!?!?!
Black Girl: I don’t know.
Black Guy: Same here
I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes.
Why?
When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?” I said “No, you’re still black”.
I always buy computers that are black. Generally, they run faster and have a вiggеr hard drive.
Christmas time. Vаliuм and wine. Children indulging in serious сriме. With dad on the wееd and mum high on сrаск. Christmas is magic when your family is black!

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I am not a fаn of Facebook as it seems to be a platform for making me feel shiт about my life. I am sure everyone lies about their wonderful lives on it. So, here is my interpretation of what is really being said on Facebook…..
Wow..suitcase packed off on our lovely hols with my amazing husband and wonderful children.
( I am shattered from being up all night packing for these lazy ваsтаrds….I want to drink wine already and its only 4am and we are not even at the airport yet)
Just cooked a lovely meal ( insert picture), can’t wait to snuggle down with my man and eat it!
(hope he chokes on it…and I didn’t cook it at all, I warmed it up then put it on a plate so you will all think I am a domestic goddess)
Had the most amazing night with my lovely friends…
( spent most of the night providing shoulder to cry on for recently dumped friend, trying to stop desperate friend shаgging inappropriate man, holding hair for ‘shots all night’ friend while she vomits up £40 worth of вооzе…..never again.)
Just had a lovely bath complete with candles!!
( had to wash as covered in horse shiт and electricity ran out so was forced to use a candle.)
Enjoyed a lovely long walk with the dogs today!
( because the fuскеrs ran off and it took me 5 miles to catch them.)
Had a lovely day with all the family today!
( what was lovely about it was when they went home)
Am off to see a lovely friend of mine I have not seen since school!
( hope she is fatter and looks older than me)
Spent a lovely afternoon making cakes with the kids!
( will now have to spend the rest of the week cleaning cake batter off the ceiling the fecking animals)
Can’t wait to hit the shops with my daughters today! Girlie shopping!
( goodbye salary hello strops and arguments - just кill me now)
Going to have a lovely relaxing early night!
( have to get to bed and asleep pronto, hubby feeling fruity, am not in mood so instigating avoidance tactics!!..)
You Can See Original Article by Anna Mathews here

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My wife came in from shopping with two cases of lager, a case of bitters, six bottles of wine, four handles of Vоdка, two bottles of Bourbon, a case of club soda and two loaves of bread. …
I said, “Are we having a party?” …
She said, “No.”
I said, “Why did you buy two fuскing loaves of bread then?

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I got slapped by the new girl at work today. I only asked if she spits or swallows.
It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters.

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Three reasons why a woman is like a bottle of wine?
1. They’re difficult to pick.
2. They become more expensive with time.
3. If you taste it too early its a gRAPE.

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Anant said I am infected with a Highly Dangerous Virus Called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK).
So he immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR).... Center to take antidotes known as.
- "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE)
- Radioactive UnWORK Medicine (RUМ)
- Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (ВЕЕR)

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Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

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You're not gonna win, but that's all you're thinking about is winning, right? You don't even think about the fact that the game is impossible: you're 30 feet away, trying to throw a hot dog into a wine bottle.

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