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My dad firmly believed laughter was the best medicine.
His faith didn’t shake even after two of us died of untreated pneumonia.
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I thought somebody was wolf-whistling at me as I went running.
But it was just my lungs.
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What is the one language that’s never spoken and yet is not a dead language?
Sign language.
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I’m a pro at sleeping. I could do it with my eyes closed.
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Office meeting. A gathering that wastes hours, yet keeps minutes.
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Three guys are discussing which profession was the first in history.
The Mason claims, “Masons were the first. Without us, there’d be no houses.”
The baker argues, “No, no, people ate bread before they had houses. We were the first.”
The electrician smiles, “Wait a sec. Wasn’t the first thing God said ‘Let there be light?’”
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An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you duмваss! It’s her husband!"
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So I’m sitting on a bus and a guy rushes out and seems to have forgotten his hat on his seat.
The door’s just about to close but I just make it in time to throw his hat out to him.
Now I have to sit through two more stops trying to ignore some very angry stares from the guy who actually owned the hat.
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Water starts boiling at 212 F. But do you know when milk starts boiling?
The second you leave it for a little while.
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Computer parts talk to one another:
“Look, I’m like the human brain,” says the microchip.
“Oh yeah, and I am like the eye,” says the web cam.
“Wow, I never thought about it but I am like a mouth,” says the speaker.
“Alright, let’s change the subject, shall we,” says the USB port.
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A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”
The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem:
“Well, Mr Denby, the thing is, your рескеr is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.”
A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?”
Doctor:
“Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
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A fluffy bunny walks along a lovely meadow when suddenly a big bear’s head peeks through the grass and asks, “Do you shed, Bunny?”
The fluffy bunny proudly smiles, “No, no I don’t.”
The bear reaches for the fluffy bunny, with one swift sтrоке wipes his behind with it and nods, “But you stink real bad!”
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I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.
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My father is such a crybaby. Every time my mother's away from home, he has to go and sleep over at Judith's, our neighbor.
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It’s very convenient because even if you’re really rude, you’re a mile away AND you’ve got their shoes.
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Before you say something harsh about someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
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No hospital - Doctore cum a decurs Operatia? - Pai... Credeam ca a fost o Autopsie!?
Chief surgeon comes across a young doctor just leaving the operating room and claps him on the shoulder, “So, how was your first operation, Noel?”
The young doctor turns bright red and stammers, “Um… operation? I thought it was an autopsy?”
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I’m very sorry about all those texts I sent you last night, unfortunately, my phone was drunк.
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