Dirty jokes

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F*uck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Laura?

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Got my wife a dildо and some shoes for her birthday.
If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuск herself.

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Two liars were talking together:
First: "My father built 1550 miles of 101 freeway in west of US lonely in one night."
Second: "That is nothing but I've been born from my mother's аss."
First: "It's impossible. I do'nt believe you."
Second: "Shut up. I've believed your 1550 miles distance but why you don't believe my only 4 inches length?"

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You are so selfish!
You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.

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Teacher: "Who knows 5+5=?"
Little Johnny: "11"
Teacher: "Take out your hand from trousers pocket and count with your fingers."

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Patient: "Doc, recently I've been very careless."
Doc: "How? Give me an example."
Patient: "Now I'm speaking with you, it seems that I'm talking to my diск."

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I don't like the term "аnаl bleaching".
I prefer "changing your ringtone."

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Have you heard about the Viаgrа computer virus?
It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

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John comes home and notices his wife nакеd in bed and the postman standing with his unzipped trousers next to the bed.
The postman wants to save the situation so he says quickly: "Mrs. Ann, I warn you for the last time! If you do not sign this letter so I will рее on your brand-new carpet."

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Q: What's long and hard and has сuм in it?
A: Cucumber, dirтy people.

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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red H on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue Y on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green M on her chest. Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan? asks the doctor. No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?

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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Testicules.
Testicules who?
Pillow for реnis .

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A father was advising his son: "If you want to have a big and strong diск in future you have to eat more walnuts."
Suddenly son's mother by an angry face shouted: "Why when you were child did'nt eat enough walnut yourself?"

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Johny came crying.
Dad: "What happened?"
Johny: "Today at class when we got up from our seats for prayer, Rita, who sits in front of us, had her skirt stuck between her аss, seeing that my bench mate pulled it out."
Dad: "That's bad, but why you are crying?"
Johny: "I knew that's bad, so I pushed it back into her аss and she slapped me."

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On the other day in a cemetery, I saw a woman who was rubbing her аss to a grave.
When I asked the reason, she answered: "It was my husband when he was alive; always he told me: 'Your аss is so sweet whenever any dead man touches it he'll be alive!'"

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A crazy man jumps from the bushes and opens his coat in front of an old lady to surprise and terrify her.
The granny takes a look at him and sais: "oh, dash, I´ve forgotten to buy the eggs."

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Q: What animal has the most kids.
A: A sреrм whale.

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A man walks into a sреrм Bank.
He approaches a man who has just walked out of a donating cubicle.
He decides to start a conversation with him.
He approaches the man and says "So then, do you come here often?"
The man replies "Only when the internets off" and walks off.

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