Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”
“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”
“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”
“Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”
“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urinе sample.”
“Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”
“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.”
“Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunк!”
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts,
"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey.
After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"