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You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

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Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says:
“Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

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Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?
A: About two days of no drinking.

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Three men are riding on just one motorcycle. They pass a police patrol. The policeman shouts after them: “Police! Stop your vehicle now!” But they just continue driving past.
The last man turns around and yells: „Sorry dude! We can’t take you on, we’re already one too many!”

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I found the perfect new super hero name for me:
Irony Man

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Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”.
“No, how?”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

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“A vоdка please!”
“Ma’am, this is a McDonald’s.”
“Yeah, yeah, alright. McVodka then.”

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An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suск the chocolate around them."

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An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled :
– “So where’s your igloo?”
The friend replies
“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

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One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.

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Long-term marriage? That means that when your wife asks you to sтriр, it’s more likely that she’s trying to fill up the space in the washing machine than anything else.

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A man looks at himself in the mirror: “1 inch more and I’d be a king.”
The mirror replies: “1 inch less and you’d be a queen.”

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Why is the banana crooked?
So it would fit in the peel, which is also crooked…

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(You): Do you wipe your вuтт with your right or your left hand?
(Victim): With my right hand.
(You): That’s disgusting. I use toilet paper.

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In the car repair shop:
Customer: “Can you save my car?”
Repair man: “I believe we could, by sсrеwing a new car in between the license plates.”

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People sometimes tell me scary things, like “You have a great inner beauty.”
I’m just thinking: “Stay away from my kidneys.”

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I love karma. I can do terrible things to all sorts of people whenever, wherever, and know the ваsтаrds deserved it.

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One prison guard to the other: “Have you heard that prisoner 234 broke out yesterday?!”
The other guard: “Thank goodness. Finally the hammering racket stops.”

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