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What do you call a redneck with a functioning car?
Lucky!

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With the overwhelming response to the CBS hit "Survivor", Alabamans have made their own version.
Contestants are given pink car to drive from Dothan, to Birmingham, on to Decatur, and back to Dothan. On each car is a bumper sticker that says, "I'm gаy, I'm a yankee, and I'm here to steal your guns!" First one back wins.

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Q: Why did God invent armadillos?
A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell.

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A man invites a friend to watch his prize duck hunting dog at work.
They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.
At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owner explains that this means there are three ducks on the pond. When they walk up, exactly three ducks take flight.
At the third pond, the dog runs back and forth, huмрing the hunters' legs and chasing his tail. The friend asks what in the world this means. The owner explains, "This means there are so many f**king ducks on that pond, he can't even count them."

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You know you're a redneck if you're part of the ККК, but you can't spell it.

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Q: What does a redneck say to his friend after he has just stolen something?
A: "Six-finger discount!"

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"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.

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This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees this barn up the road and asks the guy if he can stay in his barn for the night.
"Sure," says the farmer, "as long as you promise not to stick your winky into the three holes." The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there. Of course, he can't resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by screams coming from the barn. The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in the third hole.
"What are in these holes?" the guy screams.
"Well," says the farmer, "one of them's my daughter, one's my соw, and one of them's an automatic milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets five gallons."

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Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."
So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."
So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, вlооdy, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

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1) You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
2) Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fаn. 3) You go to your family reunion to pick up women. 4) Your richest relative buys a new house - and you have to help him take the wheels off it. 5) You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment. 6) Your family tree does not fork. 7) You've ever been too drunк to fish. 8) You've lost more than two teeth opening вееr bottles. 9) You helped your cousin move his refrigerator - and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. 10) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

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If a farmer was only able to choose between buying a соw or a tractor, what should he pick.
On one hand, he would look funny riding on a соw. On the other hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor.

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If a couple from Tennessee get a legal divorce, can they still be brother and sister?

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Two hicks brought home a puzzle one day, and sat down to solve it. A week later, they finished the puzzle.
"Well, that didn't take so durn long," said one of them.
"Naw, it didn't. 'Specially considering it says 3-5 years on the box."

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Two good ol' boys were driving down the road when they needed some gas. After a while, they saw a sign that read "Free Sеx with Fill-up." They decided to pull in and asked the attendant for a full tank. After he was done, they paid and the attendant started to walk away.
"Wait," the driver yelled, "what about my free sеx?" The attendant rolled his eyes and came back to the car.
"Okay, but you will have to guess a number between 1 and 10."
"6."
"No, the answer was 3. Sorry." As the attendant started to walk off, the passenger asked to guess. The attendant agreed.
"7."
"No, I told you the answer was 3." The driver then sped off.
"I think that game was rigged," said the passenger. "There is no way to win.'
"Uh-uh," the driver said. "My wife won three times last week."

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A salesman''s car breaks down in the pouring rain outside a farmhouse.
The salesman bangs on the farmhouse door.
The next morning, the farmer''s daughter wakes up to find her father in bed with the salesman. She shoots them both and takes off in the salesman''s car.
She assumes the salesman''s identity and meets all of his quotas.

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Two West Virginia hicks get married and spend their honeymoon in a local motel. Right before they consummate the marriage, the women says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin."
The man is visibly upset and storms off to his family's home. He tells them what happened and his dad says, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hеll isn't good enough for you!"

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Redneck Visitor?
How do you know if a redneck has been in your house?
All your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant.

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What's the difference between a Northern and a Southern Fairy Tale?
The Norther Fairy Tale begins with "Once upon a time..." The Southern Fairy Tale begins with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t..."

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