Dad Jokes

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A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies,
"I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"

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Yo' Mama is so skanky, when yo' daddy suggested doggie style, she laid down and licked her ваlls.

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Dad:
"Can I see your report card, son?"
Son:
"I don't have it."
Dad:
"Why?"
Son:
"I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

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I’m proud to say I made my money the old-fashioned way.
My dad left it to me in his will.

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A father tells his son to stop jacking off.
"You'll go blind if you do that too much!" he says.
The son says "uh, I'm over here dad."

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Q:What did the black girl say while having sеx?
A:Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs.

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A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.
"Dоuсhеваg!" the father yells.
A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son.
"Your father just said a bad word," he says.
"I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"
His son looks at him and says:
"Too late, dоuсhеваg."

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I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”
“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”
“Not this time, your dog died.”

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If you don't know who your father is, odds are it's Chuck Norris.

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The son went to his dad and asked him, “Dad, what’s an alcoholic?”
So the dad replied, “Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.”
The son replied, “But Dad, I only see two.”

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Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that?
Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

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A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

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My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"
"Led Zeppelin," I replied.
"Who?" he said.
"Yeah, I liked them too."

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Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

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Johnny Walks in his parents room finding his dad with his diск in his mom's рussy.
Johnny asks his dad " Can realatives Have babies if they fuск?"
"Of course not johnny" his dad replied.
the very next day johnny was his room stuffing his diск in his 14 year old's рussy and huмрing her. "ohhhhh Johnny!
Fuck Me Harder!" his sister yelled.
I am! johnny said.
then his sister gave johnny a вlоwjов to make his diск вiggеr.
"Now I Can Fuск Better!" said Little Johnny.
Then Johnny Fuскеd His Sister How He Saw His Dad Doing To His Mom.
Then his parents came into his room and his mom saw his huge соск and said "Johnny That Sure Is Big! "Well Your Next Mom!" Johnny replied

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Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever.
Me: What's that hunny?
Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk.
Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, I'll break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?

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A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day.
"Well, Skip," said the scout, "Dad had only one bottle of вееr left, so I let my baby brother have it."

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