Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member.
They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.
“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shiт my pants.”
The young men are amazed.
One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d сrар my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”
The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then-just now when I said roar!”
J ohn came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures. “I was out in the jungle,” he said, “when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.
The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it.
As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion’s face.”
“That’s some story there, John, I would have messed my pants.”
“Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON…???”
A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildо before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildо was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, "magic dildо" and then the place she wanted the magic dildо to be and it would appear there.
Well a week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildо a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "magic dildо, vаginа." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildо and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.
One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildо. The wife was feeling really confident and called out "magic dildо, vаginа." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop.
The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs.
"Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildо and its causing me to loose control!"
The officer, not buying it, simply replied "Magic dildо, my аss."
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
“Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
“Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
“Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
A young son asked,
“Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”
Then there was a woman who said,
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.”
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
” A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death “