Newest jokes

Where do fish go to chill?
At a sаndваr.

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That awkward moment when you talk to somebody, you
Feel something wet on your face but it’s not raining.

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers Properly.
“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And Then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right Away?”
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all That shiт in their intestines?”

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Dark Humor | Animal Jokes | Good jokes

The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a
Carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,”
Apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just
Think it was the horse!”

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Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where
She was sitting with her friend Nicole.
Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have
Switched itself on in your handbag.”
Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned
Toothbrush!”

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A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of
Chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says:
“Eating
So much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”
The boy replies:
“My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asks:
“You think he became so old because he was eating lots of
Chocolate?”
The boy answers:
“He became so old because he minded his own business.”

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Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really
Cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the
Edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a
Hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now
Totally gone.”

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Two blind pilots get on a plane and walk right through the main aisle, sporting white canes and dark shades.
The passengers are mildly concerned but assume it’s all a joke.
The plane starts taxiing on the runway, picking up speed, rolling, barreling down, still not taking off, you can already see the end of the runway, the passengers already start panicking and screaming when the plane suddenly lifts off and all is well.
One of the pilots says to the other,
“You know what my biggest worry is? That one day they start screaming too late and we’re all gonna die.”

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Pilots jokes | Aviation jokes, Flying jokes, Pilot jokes, Airplane jokes | Good jokes

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that
Means another door opens…”
“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious
Discount on that car!”

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I read in the newspaper that they can train dogs now
To smell terminal illnesses in people. Imagine going for a walk with a
Dog like that!
“What a lovely dog, he seems to like me!”
“Oh, I’m deeply sorry.”

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Doctor to a patient:
"I have good and bad news for
You. Which one would you like to hear first?"
"The good one please."
"I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to
Live."
"And the bad one?"
"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."

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A doctor tells a patient:
“I’ve a good and a bad news For you. Which do you want to hear first?”
Patient:
“Oh no. The bad one, please.”
Doctor:
“It appears I amputated the wrong foot, sorry.”
Patient:
“And the good one?” asks the shaken patient.
Doctor grins:
“There’s a guy who’s very interested in buying your Shoes!”

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I just read my horoscope for tomorrow:
“Everybody
Will praise you enormously, they’ll be bringing you flowers, even
Carrying you on their shoulders.”
Is it just me or does it sound suspiciously like a funeral…

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There are only two instances when people hate the
Alarm clock:
1) When it rings;
2) When it doesn’t ring.

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The doctor says to his patient at the end of a
Checkup, “OK, let’s do a stress tolerance test. Nurse, the bill please.”

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My little daughter came to me all excited, saying,
“Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t
Say where she got them.

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Doctor: Your test results are showing you'll easily
Live to be 80.
Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now.
Doctor: See, I told you to live healthier!

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A man goes to the lawyer:
“What is your fee?”
Lawyer says:
“1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man:
“Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer:
“Yes, what is your third question

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