Old People Jokes

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A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replies the little girl."
Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie."
Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, "Dear Lord, why the hеll did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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Ah, the modern days. I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone to cross the street.

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Why are seniors encouraged to take healing mud baths?
So they’d slowly start getting used to earth.

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Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

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B&Q JOB APPLICATION
After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting ваве walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q."
I then said. "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say. "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hеll would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin sтuрid?"
I replied. "I'm neither blind nor sтuрid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
***Old People Rock!***

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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time,
"like sitting around in the Garden bar and drinking John Smiths isn't a good thing."
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the old folks Centre and hang out with the fellas. I sent her an e-mail telling her I had and that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 72 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes? I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Рrоsтiтuте Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun to winde the kids up

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Three old timers at the retirement home were complaining about growing old. The first one says,
"I wake up at 7:00 AM and try for a half hour to take a роор."
The second one says,
"Oh yeah? I spend an hour trying to рее."
The third one says,
"I take a nice роор at 7:00 AM and about 7:30 AM take a nice рее."
The other two guys look at him and ask,
"What are you complaining about?"
The third man explains,
"I don't wake up till 8:30 AM."

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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viаgrа tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viаgrа on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viаgrа tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viаgrа stops him from rolling out of
bed."

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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on вееr cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease". My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

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An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,
‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names’.
The elderly lady hung her head.
‘I have to tell you the truth,’
she said, ‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old аsshоlе what his name is.’

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I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

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I like my couches like my I like my women…
Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

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My Grandfather never threw anything away, bless him
He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade

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Old man goes to the doctor. The doctor says “The test results are back, and I’m sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.”. The old man says “Phew! At least it’s not cancer!”

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Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn’t see that well

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A 98 year old man goes to bed on a one layer bed- He wakes up under it…

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A man with a gun and a sword walks into a bar, sees a girl, and falls in love with her.
Man: Hey, you are one beautiful girl. Will You be my girlfriend?
Girl: No, because you have a gun and a sword.
Man: But I am already in love with you.
And then the man leaves to get the girl flowers and candy.
The girl is glad that the has gone, until thirty minutes later, when he shows up again.
Man: Here are some flowers for you, beautiful girl.
And the girl throws the flowers in his face, and then everyone in the bar laughs, even the bartender.
Man: And here is some candy.
And the girl throws the candy in his face, and everyone in the bar laughs again, and some teenagers walking down the street see it as well, and then they start laughing too.
One of the teenagers says "Hahaha, that is so funny. Seeing a man give a girl candy, and the girl throwing it in his face to show him that she hates him."
Girl: I hate you, ugly man!
Man: Bartender, can I get some candy for my girl?
The bartender laughs when he hears that, and then he says "Are you crazy? We don’t serve-"
And then the man shoots the bartender with his gun, and stabs him with his sword. An old man walking down the street can’t believe what he just saw. So he calls the police to arrest the man who killed the bartender.
999 Service Guy: 999, what’s your emergency?
Old man: I just walked past a bar, and I saw a man shoot and stab the bartender. Can you please get the police to arrest him? Tell them he is the man with a gun and a sword I his bag.
999 Service Guy: Okay, no worries.
1 Hour later, the first man tries to dance the tango with the girl, and the girl kicks him in the leg, and then he tries to kiss her, and she punches him in the face.
Guy sitting at a table in the bar: That man is crazy. Trying to kiss a girl who hates him.
And the police show up.
First Policeman: Which man has a gun and a sword in his bag?
The girl points to the man and says "This man."
Second Policeman: Let’s arrest him.
Man: No, wait! I can explain.
Third Policeman: Get in the back of the car.
When the police get to the Police Station with the man, the first policeman says "You will stay in prison for 10 years."
One week later, the man breaks the bars and escapes prison.
The police see him and run after him.
Third Policeman: Come back here!
The man doesn’t listen, and he keeps running. So the police shoot him and he dies.
And instead of saying rest in peace on his gravestone, it says rest in pieces.

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Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was and she replied with “Oh what’s the point. Life is meaningless…”. Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You sтuрid f*****” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed.
The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is and he answered with “Oh what’s the point. Life is meaningless…” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!”
As Sam arrived at the counselors office she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You sтuрid f*****” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.

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