1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.".
2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments.".
3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!".
5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate
Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it."
"That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom,
"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big сrар . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge тiтs out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shiт first."
An engineer and a scientist walk into a dive bar....
Smiling, happy, the engineer says,
"Bartender, shots for everyone!"
The bartender leans in, confused, "I can tell you're not from around here. Are you sure you want to buy these people drinks?"
The scientist retorts with, "Make 'em doubles!"
The bartender deploys the drinks to everyone around the smoky bar, the newcomers raise their glasses, and everyone drinks.
The scientist and the engineer then pay their substantial tab, leave a generous tip, and pull away in a Tesla. Naturally, everyone is a bit confused about what just happened, but before long everyone gets back to NASCAR, NFL, Fox, country music, cigarettes, cheap вееr, Trump, and arguing about Ford versus Chevy.
While the engineer sets the car to autopilot, the scientist pulls up this very joke, half composed, on his iPad, and with furrowed brow says,
"We still need a punch line."
The engineer nods in affirmation, and says,
"Look in the rear view mirror."
He looks. The small dive bar recedes into the darkness as the Tesla picks up speed, rapidly and silently.
"They don't even remember us. We worked our аssеs off, moved away to the city, competed with the brightest kids from around the globe, earned advanced degrees, and now we challenge global warming by designing advanced battery systems for electric cars. We have made a fortune along the way. I am 28. You are 29. Those townies will live and die back there. By choice. 14 mile per gallon trucks. Shiт вееr. Staying, sitting, stewing, and waiting for progress to come to them.
"There's your f-ing punch line."
3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.
They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be alone start sunbathing, talking about their lives (most of the talk being complaints), and simply having a good time.
One of the guys decides, he wants to build a sandcastle, because, why the hеll not. He starts digging up some sand, and asks his best friends to help him out. They start digging, and finally, one of them exclaims:
“Guys! look! Its a lamp!” The guys looked at each other and instantly knew what to do: all three of them simultaneously gave the lamp three rubs.
Suddenly *рооf* a genie came out of the bottle! The three guys felt like this trip just couldn’t get any better.
The genie, in the most Will Smith voice possible says:
“you three, you have freed me! I shall give each one of you three wishes as a sign of my gratitude!” The first guy instantly responds:
“i want health for myself, and my entire family.” And the genie grants his wish.
The second guy responds:
“i want the same thing, seems like a good idea. However, if you could add upon that that all current illnesses, genetic or otherwise would disappear, it would be great.” The genie replies “yeahhh sure” and *рооf* his wish is granted The third guy said he needed a while to think. After about 30 minutes, he exclaimed:
“ive got it! I want my right hand to spin clockwise until I die!” The genie, dumbfounded, asks “are you sure?” And the third man simply said “yes, 100%” and his wish was granted.
The first guy then said “its my turn again! I want to be wealthy enough to buy anything i’d ever want, and i want to see proof of it.” The genie granted his wish and *рооf* a phone appeared in his hand showing the first guy’s bank statement. $10 Billion dollars have been deposited on his bank account.
The second guy, agreeing to his logic, said “i also want money. But i’d rather have it in physical goods, like houses, or gold bars” *рооf* another phone appears showing a page with all the real estate and investments that the second guy now owned, all worth around 10 billion dollars too.
The third guy, having thought about this thoroughly throughout the last few minutes, simply said “i would like my left hand to spin counter-clockwise until i die” the genie thinks to himself, this man MUST have a plan with all this. And simply grants his wish.
Back to the first guy. He now wished for him, and all his loved ones to be immortal, and to stay at the age of 35 until they decide, on their own terms, that its time for them to leave this planet. The genie, granted his wish just like all the other ones before him.
The second guy, who we now know is the least creative of the bunch mutters nothing else but “same”. And the genie grants his wish too.
The third guy however, was still thinking. His left and right hand spinning in opposite directions he shouted:
“i want my head to rock back and forth as if i was on a rock concert until i die!” At this point the genie didn’t even care anymore and just said “aight man, whatever”.
The men, all happy with their wishes decided to meet up again in ten years to discuss their lives.
They met up in Monaco, one coming on his yacht, the second on his private jet, both with beautiful wives and kids, and sat down at a table in the most expensive restaurant in town. The third guy then arrived, his hands still spinning and his head still rocking back and forth, almost knocking over the table. He apologised and they began talking about their lives. The first and second guy are so happy with their new lives that they have tears streaming down their cheeks. They talked about the wonderful houses theyve built, the investments theyve made, and the vacations theyve had. Suddenly they realised that the third guy hasnt said a word. They ask him, “what about you? Hows your life? How did your wishes work out for you?” And he looks at them, a tear rolling down his eyelid and says “guys, i think i fuскеd up”
