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Well, Johnny, what did you get your Grandma for her birthday?”
“A baseball.”
“Johnny, what were you thinking?! Grandma doesn’t play baseball!”
“So? She got me some books for my last birthday.”

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If you want to keep a true perspective of your own importance, get a dog that will worship you and a cat that will scorn you.

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Sometimes it’s time to lay on the couch and do nothing at all for two years.

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In books, there hides great knowledge; knowledge is power; power corrupts; corruption is a сriме; сriме doesn't pay... basically, if you keep on reading, you’ll end up a beggar.

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My horrible neighbor would never reveal her true age. But there are some subtle clues, for instance she has a miniature from Vincent Van Gogh instead of a photo in her passport, and a signed copy of the Bible.

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Being a mom is awesome! You wake up in the morning, make yourself some coffee – and in the evening you sit down and drink it in peace and quiet.

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“Mr. Somniac, do you think the Americans could influence Russian elections?”
“Hardly. Not even Russian voters are capable of that.”

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The European Commission discovered another inequality – women are on average shorter than men.
They established a sub-committee that vowed to do away with this gender discrimination by 2025.

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A true Englishman can actually differentiate at least 805 shades of grey.

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Being British means driving your German car to an Irish pub to have a Belgian вееr, then grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way home where you rest on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

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My husband told me I should put a bit more salt in the stew next time.
I’m torn now whether to tell him that it was actually leftover dog food that I’d put in the fridge.

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A guy loses an argument against his older sister and tells her she’s adopted.
The sister smirks, “Yeah, well at least they wanted me.”

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A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!

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“Mrs. Riddiwinkle, what made you just toss your husband’s body into a garbage container when you found him dead?!”
“Well… he’s always been insisting he wants nothing fancy by way of a funeral…”

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That moment when you add twenty one products into your basket but then you decide to shop on another web site because you're unhappy that they charge five dollars sending fee.

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If your friend asks for some of your сhiрs, you can reply: There’s no 'we' in сhiрs.

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I think my wife is cheating on me.
She said she’s going for a run – but there’s nothing on her Instagram!

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Here’s my step ladder. I’ve never met my biological ladder.

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