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I think my wife is cheating on me.
She said she’s going for a run – but there’s nothing on her Instagram!

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Here’s my step ladder. I’ve never met my biological ladder.

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She was crying.
He sat down by her.
He gently wiped away her tears.
Unfortunately, half her eyebrows disappeared with them.

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America: If your country has oil, it badly needs peace and freedom.

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An American businessman comes to a Swiss bank in Zurich with a suitcase, shades and a shifty expression.
“I’d like to deposit some money, please.”
“Excellent, sir. How much would you like to deposit?”
The guy whispers, “Four million.”
The clerk smiles kindly, “No need to whisper, sir. In Switzerland, there’s no shame to being a bit poor.”

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Can you be stood up by a guy in a wheel chair?

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So when did you start working for this company?
The moment they told me I have to pick up my performance or I’m history.

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Legalize mrahi…. Legalize marrrhi…. Legalize рот!

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An optician is training a new shop assistant and gives him the rules. “It’s all about proper behavior, proper way of speaking, Joe.
Putting in the right pauses in your speech is crucial, too. For instance, the customer enquires about a pair of glasses. You say ‘It’s fifty dollars’ and you make a pause.
If the customer looks OK, you continue, ‘for the rims. The lenses are ten dollars” and if the customer still looks fine, you continue, ‘each.’”

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Mr. and Mrs. Blane are going to the theater. They’re waiting at the cashdesk and finally there’s only one couple in front of them. The man says to the cashier, “Tristan and Isolde. Two tickets, please.”
Mr. Blane waits his turn and says to the cashier, “Harlan and m’lovely wife Jennys. Two tickets also, please.”

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I’m a superb multitasker. I’ve no problem wasting time, money and life’s opportunities all at the same time!

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Facebook is much like a fridge. You visit every 10 minutes, even though you know there’s nothing worth it in there.

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Ah, when it comes to cliffhanger endings, I always say,

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You can’t beat Scottish summer.
Best early August Wednesday afternoon you’ll ever experience.

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Hillary Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, she invites the children to ask her some questions.
Kevin raises his hand and says, “I have three questions, Mrs. Clinton.
1. Did you intimidate the victims of your husband’s lusт?
2. What really went on with the Benghazi attack?
3. How do you defend the list of controversial contributors to the Clinton Foundation?
Suddenly the веll rings for break and the children run about their business. After the break they come back and the Q and A period resumes. Joel raises his hand and says, “I have five questions, Mrs. Clinton.
1. Did you intimidate the victims of your husband’s lusт?
2. What really went on with the Benghazi attack?
3. How do you defend the list of controversial contributors to the Clinton Foundation?
4. Why did the веll go off 20 minutes earlier?
5. Where is Kevin?

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I wonder if Kevin Bacon movies are banned in Muslim countries?

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We spent a month on holiday and it only rained twice! First for ten days, then for nineteen.

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A wife comes home and the husband asks her where she’d been so long.
“At a beauty parlor,” replies the wife. The husband looks at her closely, “Well, it’s the effort that counts.”

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