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A wife comes home in the morning and tells the husband that she spent the night at her best friend’s. The husband then calls 10 of her best friends and finds out she didn’t spend the night in any of their homes.
A husband comes home in the morning and tells the wife he spent the night at his best friend’s. The wife calls 10 of his best friends and finds out he spent the night at 7 of them while the other 3 swear he’s still sleeping on the couch.

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When does a car stop being a car?
The second it turns into a driveway.

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“Fred, something happened to me yesterday. Something that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy!”
“Oh no, what happened?!”
“I won ten million bucks!!!!!”

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I hit some low times, but I won’t let that stop me from throwing parties. And we’re not having any box-wine, thank you. It will be a lovely cardbordeaux.

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On paper, communism sounds like a pretty good idea.
Unless what you’re reading is an actual history book.

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Why is the hour-hand on a clock usually somewhat thicker?
Less movement.

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How did the copper wire come about?
Two Scotsmen couldn’t agree whose penny it was.

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“I have a weakness for you,” she said to the little baby, stroking its smooth cheek.
“And I have social anxiety.”
“And I acne,” joined in the other two fairy godmothers gathered around the crib.

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Why was Adam the happiest guy ever?
Because Eve didn’t have a mother.

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A pessimist sees he’s gone bald.
An optimist sees he’s greatly improved his aerodynamic qualities.

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A venomous snake bites a guy.
His friend screams, “Oh no, you’ve only got 10 minutes to live! This is a brutally venomous snake!”
The guy says, “Ok, call the doctor and make it bite me again and again so I can gain some time!”

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Two neighbors are talking:
The first one says, “Joe, you really need to get yourself some curtains. I could see everything you were doing with your wife yesterday.”
The second one replies, “And you really need to get yourself some glasses. That was your wife.”

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Chuck Norris don't use pick-up lines. He only says, “Come!”

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Little Johnny’s already been expelled from many schools because of his bad marks and mean behavior. His dad is out of his wits and finally decides to put him in a catholic school. And all of a sudden, Little Johnny starts bringing home straight As and glowing behavior reports. His daddy is shocked and asks him what changed.
“You know dad,” says Little Johnny, “I come to our classroom – there’s a guy nailed to the wall. I go to another room – a guy nailed to the wall. Third room – same, a guy nailed to the wall. Dad, they’re not messing about there!”

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Моsеs was leading his people across the dessert to the promised land for 40 years.
This was possibly the start of the saying that men refuse to stop and ask for directions.

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The next time you go out with your friends into a fancy bar, just yell, “The next round is on myself.” Some idiот will shout, “No, it's on me!”

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I bought a universal remote control today. I’m kind of afraid of myself now…

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Two colleagues are coming back from lunch, taking a short cut through a back alley, when suddenly they’re stopped by a masked robber with a gun who demands all their money or their life.
They both get out their wallets without protests, when one of them gasps, “Jimbo, I completely forgot that I still owe you 100 dollars! There you go!”

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