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Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers -- and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city. The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'. The second said, I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house. The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.'The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.' The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: Milton -- Bubbileh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway. Marvin -- Mine Sheyne Kindele, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nаzi. The thought was good. Thanks. Irving Tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same. Dearest Melvin --you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The Chicken was delicious!!!

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We're having the same thing this year for Thanksgiving dinner as last year: relatives.

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Thanksgiving Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Now that food has replaced sеx in my life, I can't even getinto my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with arelative.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screameror a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport theterminal?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of themget elected.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*t head's.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one specialperson you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number ofconsecutive days I've stayed alive.
How come we choose from just two people to run for presidentand 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having apeeing section in a swimming pool?

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Christmas Jokes Aviation Jokes Restaurant Jokes

DON'T HATE MONDAY. MAKE MONDAY HATE YOU.

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One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

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Blonde Jokes BMW jokes

An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vоdка distiller and a lawyer.
While they were talking business, the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there was such an abundance of them.
After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles of vоdка. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, explaining that vоdка was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so plentiful.
The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes, then arose... and threw the lawyer out the window.

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes American Jokes

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane.
There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out. The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out. The priest then says to the high schooler, "Son, I've lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven." The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, "Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?" The high schooler replies, "The blonde lady took my backpack!"

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Blonde Jokes School Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes Priest Jokes

A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says, "Oh my, you have such beautiful dogs. What are their names?"
The blonde replies, "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."
The man responds, "Huh, that's interesting. Why did you name them such names?"
The blonde sighs and shakes her head, "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else would you name your watch dogs?"

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Blonde Jokes Dog jokes

Q: What do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
A: Wrap music!

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Halloween Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

We should've known communism would fail. There were a lot of red flags.

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Political Jokes

When my customer ordered iced tea, I asked, "Sweetened or unsweetened?"
Her answer: "What's the difference?"

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Customer service jokes Stupid Jokes

You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body.
Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Flirt jokes Love Jokes

An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert and demands to see the ruler of all this planet and make it bow to his will, except he made two grave mistakes, first he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night and second he didn't know anything about the inhabitants.
So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump and demands it to take him to the leader.
Well it's a gas pump so it doesn't say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says
"This is the last time I ask earthling!"
Just then his general whispers to him "Hey calm down buddy don't mess with this guy, he's a badass мотhеrfuскеr".
Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM!
A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away.
As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks "We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I've never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass мотhеrfuскеr?"
The general looks over and says "Man if you could wrap your diск around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass мотhеrfuскеr."

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Alien Jokes Vulgar jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes Military Jokes

Teacher: "Who knows 5+5=?"
Little Johnny: "11"
Teacher: "Take out your hand from trousers pocket and count with your fingers."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes Math Jokes Stupid Jokes

Three statisticians are out hunting.
Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The first statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the left.
The second statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the right.
The third statistician starts jumping up and down, yelling "We got him! We got him!"

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Hunting Jokes Science jokes Geek jokes Math Jokes Nerd jokes

Q: What is the difference between baby and knitting?
A: Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two ваlls!

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Dark Humor Jokes Baby Jokes Morbid jokes

I tried to get into a trendy New York nightclub last night. The doorman said to me:
"Sorry mate, you've had too many".
I replied, "What, drinks?"
He said, "No, birthdays!"

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Old People Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Birthday Jokes

You know you're a redneck when your mom, dad, aunt, and uncle are two people.

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Redneck jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
Why is air a lot like sеx? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 20 kilos
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sеx? Because they have cotton ваlls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the рriскs on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sеx? Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Вrеаsтs don't have eyes. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sеx Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a rетаrdеd baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiт..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

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Blonde Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes BMW jokes School Jokes Dog jokes

Most Popular Jokes