A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked,
"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said,
"Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said,
"You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!," the father calmly said,
"Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
Two mates were reminiscing about the party they’d been at last weekend …
…
“Great party that, last week, wasn’t it?”…
“Wow, yes, great food, great вооzе, great girls…and a posh house to boot.” …
“Posh house?? it was a suburban semi?”
“Never…. They had a gold-plated toilet?” …
“What?, I can’t remember that, you must have been really drunк.” …
“No, honestly, I remember thinking…’posh!’ ” …
…
The argument went backwards and forwards…yes, no, yes, no. Finally they decided to prove once and for all who was correct…. They looked up the address and went to the house. A woman came to the door and one of the men said…”Excuse me, we were at your party last weekend and we’re having a difference of opinion, tell us please…have you, or have you not, got a gold-plated toilet? My mate here says ‘yes’ but I disagree.” …
…
The woman turned round and shouted to her husband… “George…. I’ve found the ваsтаrd that crapped in your Sousaphone!”
A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says,
"Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.”
"That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended the services all my life and always gave as much charity as I could."
"Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Oy. How about this, I started a soup kitchen in my city and volunteered at the senior’s home."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries. "The way you guys grade, there’s no way my Selma got in here.”
“Selma who?” asks the angel.
“My wife, Selma Rothenstein. You know, Selma and I were married for 60 years and I never raised my voice at her, not even once."
“Oh, thaaat Selma,” the angel nods. “You put up with her for 60 years?! Come right in!”
An elderly man gathered together three of his most trusted friends, a doctor, a lawyer, and a priest. He said to his friends, "Now, I know I can't take it with me when I die but I'd like to try." He handed each of them an envelope each containing $10,000,000 in cash.
"I'd like each of you to throw the envelopes into the grave after they put me in," he said. The three looked at each other and agreed to the elderly man's final wishes. The elderly man soon dies and when he is lowered to his grave, friends throw in the envelope and the elderly man is buried with them. On the way back to the cars the doctor says,
"I have a confession. I was thinking last night about the children's recovery program I'm getting off the ground and $10,000,000 would have been a great start to the program's funding. I figured I would put the money to good use rather than have it buried 6 feet underground."
The lawyer went nuts telling him that going against the elderly man's will is a huge сriме. Then the priest also confessed, "I also thought I'd put the money to good use. The mission’s fund the church is trying to put together has received little contribution. $10,000,000 would be a huge boost to the fund." The lawyer was absolutely outraged talking about how they could both end up in jail.
He said,
"You should've done what I did. The money he gave me is being kept in my safe at home. I wrote a check for $10,000,000 and put that in the envelope and that's what is in the grave!"
A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets suскеd out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says,
"I have faith, God will save me."
The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says,
"I have faith, God will save me."
The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying, "I have faith, God will save me."
The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replies,
"I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"