Newest jokes - Page 50

A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island.
After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford.
They build a lean-to and find some food and water.
After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate.
The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree.
"What's the matter?" Cindy says: "Is there anything I can do?"
"Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?"
"A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it.
"Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?"
"Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right."
"Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm fuскing!"

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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

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Little Johnny Jokes Beauty Jokes

Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

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Parent Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes College jokes Baby Jokes

As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Gross Jokes Sex Jokes Veterinarian Jokes

Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

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Halloween Jokes Gross Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Flirt jokes

One afternoon, Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she says, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mable answered, “I have a suppository in my EAR?”
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, “Ethel, I’m awfully glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

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Old People Jokes

Miss Taylor the English teacher writes an incorrect sentence on the board: "I didn't had no fun for months."
Then she faces the class and says, "OK class, how should this be corrected?"
Little Johnny says, "I think you should get yourself a better man!"

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Men jokes

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the вuм and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the вrеаsт.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit.
She rolled over and grabbed him by the реnis.
Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

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Dirty jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Fitness jokes

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Money jokes

Three men were talking about their teenage daughters:
The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes.
I didn't even know she smoked".
The second says "That's nothing.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vоdка.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms.
I was really shocked.
I didn't even know she had a реnis".

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Dirty jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Why are men like bank accounts?
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest!

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Banker Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

*BOOM*
Mum shouts: "What was that?"
Me: "My coat fell."
Mum: "It sounded a lot heavier than that!"
Me: "I was in it."

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33.
So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.
"I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."

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Men jokes Customer service jokes Communication Jokes

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
"No thanks, I'm traveling light."

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Science jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Hotel Jokes

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunк?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hеll do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Car and driving jokes Men jokes

Q: Why do C# programmers have trouble dating women?
A: They want women with class, but they treat them like objects.

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IT jokes Technology Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Geek jokes Dating Jokes

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

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Fishing Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Police Officer Jokes

Q: What do you call a violent minority?
A: A тhug.
Q: What do you call a violent white guy?
A: Officer.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes White people jokes

Yo mama so ugly when she went outside it was a black out.

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Yo Momma Jokes Vulgar jokes Ugly Jokes

Teacher: "Are you good at math?"
Pupil: "Yes and no."
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Pupil: "Yes, I'm no good at math!"

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School Jokes Math Jokes

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