Pet Jokes

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The wife and I were walking down the street today and noticed two cats in a tree.
They were both slowly inching their way along a branch toward the tree’s centre. “Look at them.” I whispered to the wife. “There must be a nest up there.”
“Don’t talk like an idiот.” She replied. “Cats don’t live in nests.”

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Our neighbour’s dog shat in our garden, so my mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.
I don’t see what that solved, now we’ve got dog shiт in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

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Funny Cat Jokes | Cat Humor

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A man drives deep into the forest to get rid of his cat. He lets her out at an abandoned place. After one hour he gets a phone call from his wife:
“The cat is back.”
The man growls:
“Ok, can you put her on, I got lost and need directions.”

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Two neighbors meet:
"Your cat killed my Pitbull."
"No way, that is impossible."
"Yes, he choked on her."

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What is the difference between a man and a cat?
One eats a lot, is lazy and doesn’t care who brings the food. The other is a pet.

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Emergency call at the police station:
"Please come quick. It’s a life and death situation. Our dog has become very aggressive. He might do something to me."
"Who is there?"
"The cat."

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Bob to Joe, "What the heck, Joe, I’ve just heard your dog meowing. How come?!"
"Ah yeah, that’s OK! He is just learning a second language."

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How did the cat get the first prize at a bird show?
Somebody didn’t shut the champion’s cage properly.

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Two cats are sitting in front of bird’s cage and observe a newly arrived green canary.
One cat says to the other, “It really is a strange color for a bird. Maybe he’s not ripe yet.”

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A соw says to a small kitten, "Look at you, so small and already such long fасiаl hear."
The kitten cooly replies,
"Yeah, look at you, so big but still no вrа."

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A woman sits in a diner. A cat comes in, buys a chocolate ice cream and leaves.
The woman is totally astonished, “Wow – that was unusual”.
The diner manager agrees, “That’s right. She’s never asked for anything else but strawberry before.”

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A cat meets a fox in the forest.
The fox asks the cat why she smells so dreadful.
The cat replies, “I was walking by a pooping bear and he asked me if my fur makes fuzz. I said no. So he wiped his вuтт with me.”
The fox wonders:
“So how come you’re still in such a good mood?”
“Well” the cat replies, “When he was done with me, he asked the hedgehog.”

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A Chinese student is looking for an inexpensive room to rent. He finds one, but the owner warns him, “Yes, you can have the room. But we have a dog and two cats. I hope you like them.”
“No problem,” beams the student, “I’m happy to eat anything!”

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“Our cat was sтuрid enough to drink some gasoline yesterday. She spent two hours racing through the flat, then just flopped on her back and was totally still. “
“Oh no, is she dead?”
“No, just ran out of gas”

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In the middle of the desert one cat says to the other,
“Oh boy, I have to рее so badly.”
“Why don’t you just do it?”
“I can’t. There is no litter box.”

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Two gangsters are about to break out of prison. The first one jumps off a wall into a trash container.
The guard shouts, "Who’s there?"
Gangster replies,
"Meoooooow!"
The guard is relieved, "Ah ok, just a cat."
Then the second gangster jumps.
The guard gets suspicious, "Hello, anybody there?"
The second gangster yells, "Nah, just the cat again!"

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“My wife loves cats. But she’s got 40 of them and they cause a gruesome smell in our flat.”
“I guess you should air more often to battle that.”
“No can do, if we opened the windows, my 150 pigeons would fly away”

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