An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourismwebsite and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.
Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . .
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)!
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed веаvеr. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slаvе die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come nакеd.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come nакеd.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gаy nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't just quit "cold turkey." Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't eat this much! A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She turned to the stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any вiggеr?"
"No, ma'am," he replied. "They're dead." What is a turkey’s favorite dessert? - Peach gobbler! Mom wants you to help us fix Thanksgiving dinner.
Dad: Why? Is it broken? Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Tamara.
Tamara who? Tamara we'll have turkey leftovers! Why did the cranberries turn red?
Because they saw the turkey dressing! Why do pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hats! What did the turkey say to the computer?
“Google, google, google.” What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi. A new survey found that 80% of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.
Jimmy Fallon Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey because it’s already stuffed! Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn't chicken. "What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?"
"If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!" What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?
Lucky. If Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be known for?
Their age! What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?
A: I liked the leftovers before they were cool.
Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries. Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken! A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey." Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze. Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking. My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold. Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes. Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself! Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn? Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin. Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack! Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course! Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour! Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary! Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash! Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather! Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing. Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram. Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful. Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack. Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme. Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet. Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break. Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree. Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.

Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up.
The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a dear.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunк.
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher."
"No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now."
"We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.