A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.
It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Сhrisт, are you still in there?!'"
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.
Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety.
She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
"Don’t trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.
When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin’ out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was immediately transported to the hospital.
While she was in surgery she had a supernatural, near death experience.
She met God and asked him: "Has my time come?"
He answered: "No, you have 43 years, 2 months and 8 more days to live."
After she recovered, the woman decided to stay in hospital and do plastic surgery on her face, liposuction, вrеаsт еnlаrgемеnт and abdominal fат removal.
She also called a hair stylist to change her hairstyle and an orthodontist to perform a ‘teeth lifting’.
She figured, if she had so much time in front of her, she should live the best way possible.
After her last plastic surgery and not until she has recovered, she wore a new dress with matching heels, left the hospital, went across the street and an ambulance run over her…
While crossing the gates to heaven, she reached God and demanded to know what happened: "You told me I had 43 more years! Why didn’t you save me from the ambulance?"
And he answered: "I didn’t recognize you."
A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.
He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner.
He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street."
He was in luck.
She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed.
She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300".
His eyes popped open and he asked "300?"
She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains".
He proceeded.
"See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good."
He was like, "well go right ahead honey".
So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.
After a little rest he thought, if that was that good..."How much for a вlоw job?"
She said "600". OH MY GOD! was his reply.
She told him to walk back over to the window.
"See that 15 story hotel?
I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good."
He said "Well get to work then sweetie."
And sure enough he got the best вlоw job he ever received.
After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good... "How much for sеx?"
She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole dамnеd town if only I had a рussy."
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiот, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Неll."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Неll!"
With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Неll!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiот then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiот then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fаrт.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fаrт come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiот, "it's from my аsshоlе."
And the idiот went to heaven.
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!" the devil countered.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Me!"
"No, me!"
"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness.
When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them.
God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins."
Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously.
This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark.
When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.
The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost.
He came up empty-handed.
Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.
The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills.
He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner.
That night, they make love for one hour.
The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy.
"Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself.
That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours.
The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call.
A little boy answers the phone.
Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks.
"I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says.
"Let me tell you. Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my аss hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty. "