Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

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Le vieil homme vient de mourir. Le curé ne tarit pas d'éloges : quel bon mari c'était
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Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience. Döden hade en gång en "nära-Chuck Norris-upplevelse".
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Camouflage Clothing Ο καπετάνιος I greci durante la seconda guerra mondiale portavano la divisa rossa perché sono orgogliosi e non vogliono vedere il sangue quando vengono feriti. През Втората Световна Война гърците носили червени униформи Un barco tenía un capitán muy valiente. Пътува пиратски кораб през океана и изведнъж насреща му - френски галеон. Юнгата пита капитана: L’ammiraglio vede una flotta nemica e dice al suo tirapiedi: Il y a longtemps vivait un officier de l'armée royale nommé Capitaine Bravado. C'était un homme Two Generals were preparing for battle. Hace mucho tiempo vivió un hombre de mar Los piratas de los siete mares: Este era un barco pirata Günün birinde acik denizlerde yol alirken Napoleón Bonaparte durante sus batallas siempre usaba una camisa de color rojo. Para él era importante General Mongomery var en smart taktiker. Han var tex alltid klädd i rött – Kapten Плава си един пиратски кораб през океана и изведнъж отсреща се задава боен кораб. Юнгата тича при капитана: - Капитане Há muito tempo Secolo XVII. Il capitano di una nave riceve cattive notizie: 'Capitano Rok 1497. Płynie sobie statek piracki straszliwego kapitana Rudobrodego. Nagle na horyzoncie pojawia się statek towarowy. Majtek z bocianiego gniazda woła: - Kapitanie statek towarowy na... osmanlı zamanında Το πλοίο βρίσκεται στη μέση της Μεσογείου Perämies tuli Kapteenin puheille ja ilmoitti: - Kapteeni A kalózok megtámadnak egy hajót. A kapitány szól a hajósinasnak: - Hozd ide a piros ingem! A piros ingében végig az élen harcol Osmanlı donanmasıyla Venedik donanması arasında savaş çıkmış. Venedik donanmasının komutanı Andrea Doria imiş. Gözcü Osmanlı donanmasının yaklaştığını fark edince hemen Andrea Doria'ya haber... Pe cand era Stefan cel Mare tanar Napoleon odpočíval ve svém stanu En spansk kaptein spaserte på skipet sitt da en soldat kom løpende og sa: - ”Et fiendtlig skip nærmer seg oss!” Kapteinen svarte rolig: - ”Hent den røde skjorten min.” Soldaten hentet skjorten.... Ein Piratenschiff. Am Bug steht der Piratenkapitän mit seinem Fernglas in der Hand und sucht den Horizont ab. Schliesslich entdeckt er ein englisches Handelsschiff. Er befiehlt einen Kurswechsel
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Στο νεκροταφείο. A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car En el cementerio se lee: "Aquí yace un abogado Matka i syn idą cmentarną aleją i mijają nagrobek z napisem: "Tu leży dobry prawnik i człowiek honoru". Chłopiec przeczytał napis
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Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?"
"I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children."
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."
And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: "So what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love."
"How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter." And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?"
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days..."
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Three men were caught for мurdеr on same day. Very next day they were produced in the court.
After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch.
It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone.
After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes.
Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish.
First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing.
He is lashed 500 times all over his body.
He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness.
When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me."
Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes.
Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish.
He looked around.
He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiот.
He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "
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Селска дискотека. Сельская дискотека. Стоит девчонка одна - никто с ней не танцует. Вдруг подлетает к ней какой-то амбал и начинает с ней вальсировать. Она: - Milyen jól táncolsz Sur une plage
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy.
Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says,
“Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells,
“Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
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Кобра Питат Чък Норис-Вярно ли е Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris. After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died. Chuck Norris wurde von einer Königs Kobra gebissen. Nach 5 qualvollen Tagen starb die Kobra. Chuck Norris wurde einmal von einer Kobra gebissen. Nach 5 quälenden Tagen voller Schmerzen ist die Kobra gestorben. Un jour Chuck Norris s'est fait mordre par un cobra. Après plusieurs jours d'atroces souffrances Un jour un cobra à osé mordre Chuck Norris. Après 12 jours de douleur atroce O data Chucka Norrise jednou kousla kobra. Po osmi hodinách krutých bolestí zemřela. Chucka Norrise jednou kousla anakonda. Pět dní na to zemřela na otravu krve.
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Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
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Συγκινήθηκε A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. Numa cidadezinha do interior De directeur van een liefdadigheidsorganisatie merkt dat dé topadvokaat van zijn gemeente nog nooit een gift heeft gedaan
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Leiche vorm Gymnasium Станала страшна катастрофа Un giorno su un'autostrada c'è un incidente con dei morti..arriva la polizia e deve fare il verbale allora un poliziotto prende la penna e inizia a scrivere: Se produce un accidente. Llega la policía local. Un sargento y un ayudante. Zwei Polizisten werden zum Gymnasium gerufen Incidente stradale con 2 morti e 4 feriti. Arti umani sparsi tra le macerie delle auto e sulla strada. Due carabinieri fanno il verbale. "Gamba destra vicino sportello posteriore sinistro Panda... Двајца полицајци разгледуваат сообраќајна несреќа. Првиот прашува: - Каде е ногата? Другиот одговара: - В нива. - А каде е раката? - В нива. - А главата? - На асвалтот. - Се пишува "асвалт" или... Una pattuglia di carabinieri giunge in una strada statale dove e' appena avvenuto un gravissimo incidente... Il maresciallo scende dall'auto e subito e' schifato da tutto quel sangue e quei morti...
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