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Вицове за Военни English Militärwitze Chistes militares Военные анекдоты Blagues militaires Barzellette sui Мilitari, Barz... Στρατιωτικά ανέκδοτα Воени вицеви Asker Fıkraları, Askerlik Fıkr... Анекдоти про армію, Анекдоти в... Piadas de caserna Dowcipy i kawały: Wojsko Militär skämt, Militärer Leger moppen Militæret vittigheder, Vittigh... Vitser om militæret Vitsit sotilaista Magyar Bancuri Militari, Bancuri Sold... Anekdoty a vtipy o vojácích a ... Anekdotai apie kariuomenę, Kar... Anekdotes par armiju, Armijā Ratni vicevi
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Military Jokes

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An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down!
She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, about 75, and carrying a large handgun.
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An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a marine joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.
I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a marine.
The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a marine.
The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a marine.
Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Airman says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
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Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army.
They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together.
After retirement, they went to different states and settled.
However, they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails.
To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two glasses with ruм and water and sipped from each alternately!
When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: "This glass is Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf of Timothy, the other for myself."
Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table.
He was asked what had happened.
He replied, "You see, I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend."
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Assistent für Gynäkologie помощник за гинекологичен кабинет Помошник во гинеколошка ординација Une petite annonce dans un journal : " Cherchons préparateurs dans un service de gynécologie A man in Mumbai saw an ad for a ‘Gynae’s Assistant’. He went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulls up the file and says
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynecologists' Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk. 
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Perth - other side of the country." 
The man says "Oh is that where the job is?"
The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."
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Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again.
Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."
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General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.
McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson!
I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy?
It'd кill me, you idiот! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
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Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
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At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny's class.
Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad.
To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him.
"Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military.
The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military.
The Marine Corps is a cult.
The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'."
So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?"
Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation.
Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other."
By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did.
"What did you do in the military, dad?"
"Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."
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Ο καπετάνιος I greci durante la seconda guerra mondiale portavano la divisa rossa perché sono orgogliosi e non vogliono vedere il sangue quando vengono feriti. През Втората Световна Война гърците носили червени униформи Un barco tenía un capitán muy valiente. Пътува пиратски кораб през океана и изведнъж насреща му - френски галеон. Юнгата пита капитана: L’ammiraglio vede una flotta nemica e dice al suo tirapiedi: Il y a longtemps vivait un officier de l'armée royale nommé Capitaine Bravado. C'était un homme Two Generals were preparing for battle. Hace mucho tiempo vivió un hombre de mar General Mongomery var en smart taktiker. Han var tex alltid klädd i rött Napoleón Bonaparte durante sus batallas siempre usaba una camisa de color rojo. Para él era importante Ein Piratenschiff. Am Bug steht der Piratenkapitän mit seinem Fernglas in der Hand und sucht den Horizont ab. Schliesslich entdeckt er ein englisches Handelsschiff. Er befiehlt einen Kurswechsel Pe cand era Stefan cel Mare tanar En spansk kaptein spaserte på skipet sitt da en soldat kom løpende og sa: - ”Et fiendtlig skip nærmer seg oss!” Kapteinen svarte rolig: - ”Hent den røde skjorten min.” Soldaten hentet skjorten.... Günün birinde acik denizlerde yol alirken Napoleon odpočíval ve svém stanu Osmanlı donanmasıyla Venedik donanması arasında savaş çıkmış. Venedik donanmasının komutanı Andrea Doria imiş. Gözcü Osmanlı donanmasının yaklaştığını fark edince hemen Andrea Doria'ya haber... A kalózok megtámadnak egy hajót. A kapitány szól a hajósinasnak: - Hozd ide a piros ingem! A piros ingében végig az élen harcol Los piratas de los siete mares: Este era un barco pirata A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says Perämies tuli Kapteenin puheille ja ilmoitti: - Kapteeni osmanlı zamanında Rok 1497. Płynie sobie statek piracki straszliwego kapitana Rudobrodego. Nagle na horyzoncie pojawia się statek towarowy. Majtek z bocianiego gniazda woła: - Kapitanie statek towarowy na... Secolo XVII. Il capitano di una nave riceve cattive notizie: 'Capitano Há muito tempo – Kapten Το πλοίο βρίσκεται στη μέση της Μεσογείου Плава си един пиратски кораб през океана и изведнъж отсреща се задава боен кораб. Юнгата тича при капитана: - Капитане
Whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, an old pirate captain would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of his crew members asked him what it meant.
The pirate captain replied, "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
He told the crew member, "Get my brown pants."
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A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sеx you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sеx I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
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There was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant.
"Here, take this broom.
Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Ваng Ваng'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end.
"Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Ваng Ваng!"
The German falls dead.
More Germans appear.
The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Ваng Ваng! Stabity Stab Stab!"
He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Ваng Ваng! shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Ваng Ваng!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate.
"Bangety Ваng Ваng!
Stabity Stab Stab!"
It's no use.
The German keeps coming.
He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
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Flight number 293 Лети пътнически самолет Лети самолет. Летит самолет. Пилот по громкой связи: Nach dem Start die übliche Ansage des Piloten: En un vuelo Caracas-Miami Op de luchthaven John F. Kennedy van New York stijgt een vliegtuig op Durante o vôo Kurz nachdem das Flugzeug gestartet ist Uçak Türk havayollarinin istanbul-wien seferini yapan uçakta inise dogru pilot anons eder: ‘sayin yolcularimiz 25 dakika sonra viyana havalimanina inis yapacagiz
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter.
"I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed.
"What happened?", his buddy asked.
"Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line.
We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump."
"What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned.
"Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me.
He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your аss!"
"Did you jump?"
"Well, a little at first."
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A General retired after 35 years and realized his life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting.
The friend was in awe of the General's bird dog, "Sarge."
The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog.
The General declined, saying that Sarge was the best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting, and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog.
"What happened to ol' "Sarge?" he asked.
"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General.
A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name.
He kept calling him Colonel.
After that, all the dog would do was sit on his аss and bark."
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A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies,
"The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"
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Een Hollander ging biechten: 'Vergiffenis The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course En man gick och biktade sig och anförtrodde sig gråtande till prästen: - Fader Ein älterer Italiener bat seinen Priester Elderly Man: "Father Голландец (Г: ) пришёл к священнику (С:) исповедоваться. Един човек отишъл при местния свещеник и се изповядал: C'est un vieux monsieur qui va se confesser. Starszy Francuz poszedł do spowiedzi: - Ojcze Un giovane va a confessarsi. - "Mi perdoni padre perché ho peccato" - "Dimmi figliolo..." risponde il prete. - "Sa A hollandokról köztudott Een zeer oude man Un hombre mayor Un vieux monsieur entre au confessionnal et dit au curé : « Durant la guerre j'ai caché une jeune femme juive dans le grenier de ma maison afin d'éviter que les soldats allemands la transportent... O Turco vai se confessar: — Padre Une vieille allemande se rend à l'église pour se confesser. V: Pardonnez-moi mon père car j'ai pêché C:Je vous écoute ma soeur. V:En fait pendant la guerre je me suis mis en pitié pour une famille...
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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