Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes
After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the hot girl at the end of the bar. "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"
After a Вееr Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a вееr.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best вееr, a Corona."
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best вееr in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best вееr in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking вееr, neither will I."
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder.
"Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?",
"I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?",
"McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says,
"Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too!
This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts.
The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunк again."
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunк, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck nакеd.
Man, she is fine!"
The biker looked at him and didn't say a word.
His buddies were confused, because he was a bad аss, and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunк leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker still said nothing.
His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunк leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunк by the shoulder and said, "Dамn it, Grandpa, you're drunк! Go home!"
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunк.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunк." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold вееr, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a вееr to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean.
So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunк and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
A man in a pub asks for a вееr.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and сhiрs?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man.
"You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hеll. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hеll. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed? Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hеll.Counselor: Неll's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?Guy: Sure, I love to drink.Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, ruм, tequila, вееr, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble? Guy: Oh yes, I like to gamble.Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gаy? Guy: Well, no I'm not.Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays...