Aviation jokes, Flying jokes, Pilot jokes, Airplane jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

When Chuck Norris goes through airport security he makes them take their shoes off.

33

0

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

33

0

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.
If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.
He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

32

0

Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast.
They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes.
Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped.
Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped.
Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped.
The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said
"Why? We can both jump."
"How is that?" said the monk.
The boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!"

32

0

Why Airplanes are better than Women ?
Airplanes usually кill you quickly ...a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch....
Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go"....
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection....
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation....
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits....
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month....
Airplanes don't come with in-laws....
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before....
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time....
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes....
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines....
Airplanes expect to be tied down....
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills....
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong....
However...when airplanes go quiet...just like women...it's usually not good.
If you miscalculate and make a mistake with an airplane, you don't have a bunch of "little airplanes" flying around out of control!
When your airplane is sitting there looking at you face to face whining @ 15,000 r's, you want to hear more!
With an airplane, your frequency is continuous, and not just once or twice a year!
The shape of an airplanes empanage stays constant over the years!
Airplanes don't stop for yard and garage sales or tupperware parties!
If an airplane gets in the way, you just put it out in the garage, and that is that!
It is interesting watching an airplane stall!
If a woman ground loops, it is usually more than just a broken prop!

32

0

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord and nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells, "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

32

0

This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York.
The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots.
The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says:
Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong ...

32

0

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were on a plane.The red head takes a bite of an apple doesn't like it she throws it out the window. The brunette takes a bite out of an orange doesn't like it she throws it out the window. The blonde takes a bit of a bomb doesn't like it she throws it out the window. They get out of the plane. They come up to a little boy asks why he is crying! he says "An apple fell on my dog and killed my dog." They keep walking and come up to a little girl and asks why she is crying. She says" An orange fell on my cat and killed my cat." They keep walking. They come up to a blonde laughing her head off. "Why are you laughing so hard?" they said. "When I farted the building blew up!"

31

0

What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunк.

30

0

Q: What's a terrorists favorite American football team?
A: The New York Jets.

30

0

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would аssаulт the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

30

0

Me: "Here comes the airplane!"
Baby: *Opens mouth*
Me: "OH NO!!! It's the Taliban!" *Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon.* "KA-BOOM"

30

0

Chuck Norris was once asked to place his legs and fists in the cargo bay of a plane because weapons aren't allowed in the cabin.

29

0

Q: Who was the first cat to fly in an airplane?
A: Kitty-hawk

29

0

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

29

0

Air Force Approach:
"Eagle 13, turn right to 330."
Eagle 13:
"Roger 330."
App:
"Eagle 13, I've been working since last night, Will you do me a favor?"
Eagle 13:
"Affirmative.
Go ahead."
App:
"Down below on your right, you'll see a base house with yellow roof near the lake.
That is my house.
I had a fight with my Wife, and I'm worried she might take it out on my Harley.
Do you see a Harley Davidson near the house?"
Eagle 13:
"Negative sir.
Instead I can see a Ryder's truck."

29

0

There are 3 men on a plane a Mexican an American and a Russian the Mexican says "I hate my country!"
And throughs a soup out the window the American says "I hate my country" and throughs a pie out the window.
The Russian says "I hate my country!"
And throughs a bomb out the window.
Then the plane lands and the Mexican sees a kid crying the Mexican says "what's wrong kid?"
The kid says "a soup fell on my mom's head and she burnt to death."
"I didn't do that" says the Mexican.
The American was walking and saw a kid crying "what's wrong kid?"
The kid says "my mom was driving and a pie fell on her windshield and drove off a cliff cause she couldn't see!"
"I didn't do that" says the American.
Then the Russian gets off the plane and saw a kid laughing his head off.
The Russian says "what's so funny?"
The kid says " daddy farted and the house went BOOM BOOM!"

29

0

Chuck Norris put his phone on air-plane mode and flew it.

28

0